In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

Sometime ago, I went back to the place I once considered home, the last place I felt connected, apart, needed, and valuable. The last place I gave my all to, in…the last place I worked for love, acceptance, and pretended things were the way I wished, desired, and needed them to be.  I revisited what I once considered to be my dream…I faced the illusion of my hopes, the actuality of my fears and felt so distant and unfamiliar to the environment and original thought process. It was the same building, for the most part it housed the same people I had grown with…familiar faces, shared memories, rehearsed messages, moments of strain, struggles, situations that I could scarcely remember but knew were a part of our histories.

I went back without expectation, judgment, anger, or even an opinion about him, her, and them. I sat many rows away from what use to be my seat/place in the front up close and personal on the front line amongst leadership.   From the distance I looked, observed, and watched noticing how things had changed, how they’d stayed the same despite the passing of years.  Surprisingly, I felt no regret, hurt, or pain over what was but is no more.  I didn’t feel better than or less than the identifiable present although I am the identifiable past.  I just acknowledged that things are different and this different is allowable, fruitful, and even better for all parties involved.

The arms that eventually failed to affirm my person beneficially were rows ahead of me cupped behind the neck and shoulders of another; in front of them were a row of girls ranging in ages that they raise together as a cohesive family unit. Then there was the beautiful, precious, gift of the daughter they conceived during our union smiling, playing, enjoying the comforts of being a little girl growing up in her family’s church. In her I saw, small reminders of the person I once admired, acknowledged, and accepted as a viable part of my life.  I felt no contempt, no competition, or curiosity beyond wondering if restoration has had its perfect work in their hearts as it has in mines.

It was good to see him operating in his call; it was inspiring to know I genuinely could be happy, excited, and celebratory over the life he chose opposite my best interest.  I didn’t feel or have to fight back any feelings, thoughts, or even the desire for revenge, vindication, explanation or justification.  Time really does heal all wounds especially those we surrender fully to the work of the Holy Spirit.  Because I didn’t fight, slander, or smear his/their name, disclose all the intricate details of what happened or uncover the so-called family secrets many people have the opinion that I didn’t really care or feel anything in relation to our end.  Truth be told: everyone was preoccupied with their opinions and feelings about it that there was no room need/desire to share my particular disappointment or hurts beyond their accusations. Plus, if you ever really love someone it does that love a disservice when you trash them and discount the good experienced and shared between you when it stops working or doesn’t work out.

Anyway the only comfort I could feel or find was in the solace of the presence of God who counseled, comforted, and consoled me in ways only His Spirit could. I cannot even begin to exhaust the growth, understanding, and insight this time has afforded me.  It has been the worst but best of times because God introduced me to facets of Himself, my being, and the beings of others that were not readily or easily identifiable before.  I learned to talk to God about EVERYTHING, and HOW TO HEAR and allow Him to talk, teach, and tell me about His heart toward us (an absolute awesome awareness).  He kept talking to me about life and love as He desires we experience it in Him until I accepted, agreed, and acclimated to His truth.  I now know that life and love is an assignment given by God and not contrived of our own doing and effort.   I stayed, lingered, and even hid (all this time) in the safety of His love for me until I healed, recovered, and regained the desire to live and love again whole heart without imposing my previous defenses, definitions, and desires outside of the will of God for my life.  I so love what we now have and share that I’ve been squeamish about how much of it I will share or release with the world but I can no longer regulate, regiment, or relinquish the gift and purpose for my being without justifying my disobedience and unwillingness to fully surrender, submit, and succumb to the power, presence, and promise of God in my life.

Going back can help you gauge where you’re at and where you need to be when you aim to live and love in His likeness…Forward movement from here on out~AntTBri