In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

It seems I keep cycling start over, begin again, and do over despite my promise of never again, for real this time, and the assertions of my complete dependence on God for all things concerning me. I’m experiencing mixed emotions part of me wants to celebrate my courage, resilience, and ability to bounce back or get back up and try it again. The other part of me wants to give up, after all if I keep stalling, stopping, or stagnating maybe I’m reaching beyond my sphere of attainment.  I’m tired of mimicking the words of the little train that could… I think I can, I think I can. Maybe that’s the issue I never ascertained or acclimatized my heart and mind to the actualities of the assertion. Possibly I understood it in concept and failed to appropriate the context of that trains exerted energy, effort, enthusiasm, and engagement with the process. Most assuredly, despite my many fluctuations, floundering, and flops there’s no Quit in me. So I’m mustering up the seed of faith that believes with God all things are possible [even the change that has to happen in me]. In His strength I will and I can overcome this obstacle, obstruction, and opposition to my progress, and become productive.

Why do we repeat negative patterns, and negate promises by revisiting the practice of exalting how we feel and think above the Word we hear, read, ponder, and know to be the truth both cognitively and conceptually?  Don’t we care that we are in a living, loving, lasting relationship with the all knowing God?  Mentally I’ve been rehearsing what I need to say and do for awhile. If I’m absolutely honest while I was making the decision to indulge (in that I knew would harm or hinder my progression) the internal dialogue began.  I just ignored it and did not feel like exerting the necessary energy to adhere to its warnings or prompting.    Acknowledging that I choose, preferred my choice (way) over yours once again causes me to explore the disparities of the other side of the equation.  I really want to break what has become routine and regular practice or occurrence for my humanity.

I have been battling my physical weight for some time now…the fluctuations however, also mirror the up and down of my spiritual growth (the weight of what I carry juxtapose to the weight of how I carry the anointing graced upon my life. For the purposes of a broader discussion let’s agree that a total transformation of mind, body, and soul needs to become my focus.  Achieving balance, adhering to boundaries, and accepting barriers that will safe guard even distribution of the weight is placed on the back burner to self preservation tactics.   I can admit to the inconsistency within my own practice and at times I too grow tired of my own vices which are self inflicted, induced, and inappropriate in terms of healthy living.

Discipline and Self Control are necessary components of exacting a healthy lifestyle. I notice within my own practice that allowing myself forbidden delicacies: (cake, chocolate, and comfort foods) after consuming a consistent diet of fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins derails all previous efforts.   It isn’t too long before I’m in a world of trouble… because I fall right back into the living needs based category…looking for and making ways to pacify the craving (flesh) and desire for gratification.  I am able to own up to my choices that are at times anti-God’s purpose, will, plan for me. It’s so easy to fall into this, it starts out in the little things and then manifest HUGE. Today was a Psalm 91 day. I’m learning to face and deal with the reality of my existence in light of completely  trusting that if I submit my frailties, human limitations, weakness and need of a power greater than my own to accomplish, live, do and be all God has called me to be. I’m sick and tired of the yo-yo effect, the excuses, and every other explanation I could give to rationalize why I’m stuck, stagnant, and stunted in my progression.   I really want to just do it, be it, and get past it already on all accounts of being.

It’s a hurtful thing to know that at times we willfully choose ourselves over God, that we deliberately choose to do what we know is wrong. Sometimes we loose, we miss it and we fall from self reliance.  Learning how to fall is a part of the process of growth.  What am I afraid of? Why haven’t I mastered alone? I feel so weak in my humanity, so undone. I asked God straight out what do I need to put in place in order to walk in complete full throttle continual deliverance. He led me to Col 3:5. The act is not my choice…it was a means to an end. So the issue is not what it manifest as but in dealing with the feeling/thought process that caused me to concede my hearts conviction.  At the source of every deliberate act, every disobedience is my own desire to be and matter, feel significant and matter in a way that addresses my concern.  I have to change what I think in terms of me. I am worth it… keep trying to prove it; instead of truly believing it in my heart. I keep sabotaging my own growth and success. It is my prayer that I will make better choices in terms of me, how I see and handle myself. I want to see me through the eyes of Christ. I really want to believe in the grace and mercy of God..that it is applicable to the worst and best of me at all times. I know these things in concept but my actions prove that I’m not fully persuaded in my heart of hearts.  So this is my intentional effort to exact these disciplines and attain the peace and assurance I once walked confidently in.

Thank you God for not giving up on me and throwing me away. You and I are forever…please forgive my sin, wickedness and evil and restore me to right standing with you. My heart wants to completely turn away from my fleshly comfort and totally rest and depend on you for my everything according to 1 John 1:9. Forgive me for my choice of procrastination, lally gagging and slothfulness. Help me to lose this lethargic, tired, depression that keeps plaguing my humanity. Free me from the bondage of complacency and status quo. Do for me what I can’t do for myself. Help me Jesus.