In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

The same hands that had been caressing me tenderly, holding me close, and bringing me comfort since the age of three was now hitting and hurting me at age seventeen. Strong man hands were repeatedly banging my head against the concrete floor, choking me and intermittently open hand slapping me across the face. Every time I tried to run or get him off of me those masculine hands would grab me by the hair he use to stroke, brush, and tell me he loved and pin me down so the beating could resume in the fashion he so desired.

Don’t get me wrong I was use to getting whipped just not in this fashion.  Previously he would use a belt, an extension cord, drum sticks or whatever was in his reach to re-establish or reiterate he was the controlling or reigning authority in my life. This time he wasn’t just a mad man he was beastly out for more than the drawing of blood or dawning of boundaries.    In this moment I wasn’t beautiful nor the blessing he told me I’d been to him. I was the source of his anger, the object of his pain, and his greatest fear looking up at him pleadingly.  I remember screaming for him to stop, yelling I’m sorry but the thrust of his fist were fast, fierce, furious and feverishly beating upon my physique and psyche silencing my agony, squelching my anguish, and suffocating my anger.  It became crystal clear to me that unless I mustered up the strength to fight I’d lose me.

The mouth that use to kiss my boo boo’s and affirm my existence was now damning me to hell, hurling out deplorable obscenities against my person.  The person, he recently discovered would no longer keep his dirty little secret, nor hides the fact that his indiscretions toward me were killing me.  I told the truth that was the offense!  I exposed the fact that my (step-father) preacher was also the pervert child molesting, grown man perpetrator fondling, f@#$%!!! and finishing his business in his step daughter after enduring the foolishness for 14 years.  He was saying a number of things but what stands out is “you’ve ruined me…you can go on with your life… preach… the rest is a blur.

This moment as dark and deplorable as it may have been birthed a defiance, a determination, and a dignity that cannot be masked or veiled. It was up-close and personal, real life tutelage on acceptable and unacceptable Handling of me. Before this moment I only saw his need as it was presented me…after this moment I saw his bias to his need.  You see his love of me, gentle touch, gracious talk, and gifts of gratitude were a means to the end he desired.  It really had nothing to do with me…it wasn’t that I was special, different, better than…it was manipulating the person I was to become the person he envisioned and invented in the darkness of his own existence. The very thing he applauded in me he detested within himself…so he made me the conquest.  Within all the bad he did to me, was a lot of good given me.  I’m thankful that he took interest in my gifting, that he groomed me in my understanding of the Word…even his insistence that I be set apart because of the anointing on my life…those times of isolation laid the foundation of my faith.  It was my faith in God, his plan for me that helped matriculate me from victim to victor.  I’m still standing, still loving and living to see what my expected end will be…mindful of mines and others handling.

In the darkness of that day and in the light of this day (in the strength of the Lord) I continue to decide that what he did, all he did both the good and bad would not hamper, hurt, or hinder my ability to live, love, and be loved.  I decided I’d learn how to choose me…how not to live victimized by the choices or handling of others. I own my decisions, and keep my decision of life and love about my need to do and be it juxtapose to the bias of my own need. God grants me the ability to accept the decisions, disparities, and dysfunction of humanity in light of the grace extended toward my own. I live and love without imposing penalty because I understand redemptions significance.  I decided that I would do or not do based upon my conviction, concern, and care.  The need, request, or implications of right or wrong as prescribed by those individuals handling me no longer determine my response or expectation of others.  I decided that the God he taught me about was infallible and my CHOICE of life and love. After all these years I still find that He can be trusted beyond my experience with flawed humanity (myself and others included).  God became the standard of what love and life should be. He has always been and will forever be! That standard is NOW the governing authority of what is acceptable and unacceptable handling of me and others. He does not flaunt or abuse his power to force submission but consistently proves his Word and Touch is  bias to His love of us.  That’s the victory in all of this…I still aim to live and love God, myself, and others in the Likeness of His SON Jesus the Christ.   I’ve learned to derive my value and worth from the touch of God’s hands, and the affirmation of His Word spoken to me and I am no longer afraid of how you will handle me.