In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

When I look back in retrospect to the things I’ve endured what I’m most proud of is my faith, that it is still intact. Despite the abuse endured during my youth and the demise of meaningful relationships in adulthood I still desire, aim, and hope to live and love in His likeness.  God’s Spirit has sustained me. He and I are fine…we’re still together…awh yeah… thank you for keeping me when I didn’t want to be kept. He didn’t let go of my hand and did not allow me to let go of his…now that is precious, praise-worthy, and purpose-full! Purpose has prevailed despite the pain, problems, and necessary pause it took to give God, life, and love a  chance…beyond past experiences and expectations. He has and continues to make life and love meaningful… I owe Him me, He truly is my everything.  If I believe anything it is that God is real and that he has me. He understands and loves me to Purpose. 

 I don’t recall the early years of my life often usually people jar those memories, it’s not something my mind frequents: how thankful I am to a faithful God for keeping my mind and passion toward him!  Divorce is and was hard to a certain extent, but the events that plagued my youth were by all means worst/ harder to overcome. It was extremely harder to gain proper insight/perception into what had actually happened as a result of the abuse.  Healing did not happen instantaneously it transpired progressively…over a period of time. That was a process that took years to come through…I’m sure there are parts of me still healing and recovering.  But for the most part healing had manifested in the areas of ability to touch and be touched without fear or shame previous to my getting married…emotionally I was still unavailable although I did not realize it at the time…so there was always an elephant in the relationship.  I loved him with as much of me that was present at the time and I’m sure he loved the wounded recovering needy girl I was when we first met.  The problem was the broken girl developed whole into a woman dependent on God alone…and I stop needing his affirmation and version of affection.  We didn’t grow together… being married did not erase, eradicate, or ease the horrors of my yesterday nor did it compensate for the longing of my then…although I tried desperately to make it so. There was always something off…something deep within that hoped and prayed “there’s got to be more to life and love than this…this can’t be it”. I could not truly settle in, but I loved him we had years to our credit…I owed him my loyalty, my version of love and he was the person I vowed to share life with.  That life, our love was not the cure-all for all wrong or right with life and love however. It should have never been the standard of my perception, practice, or what I considered my purpose.

Divorce actually forced me to re-think this whole purpose thing…I was purposed to be his wife; right? I was supposed to use my gifts, insight, and personality to help meet his vision; right? There was purpose in our joining; right?  We were apart of God’s plan for each others lives; right? We were better together; right? The sum total of all our years together, the fact that we stayed through the good and bad of mishaps, misunderstandings, and ministry had to mean something purposeful; right?  Or so I thought anyway…too bad too sad…now what? Was it all a lie? Had I wasted all that time working toward something real? Or was the lessons, life experience preparation for what would come opposite his choice to stop loving and living with me?  Is purpose person specific or God intended?

So upon the onset of divorce recovery…this  transition…identifying my purpose of being…outside of the titles I wore and the vision I tried to helpmeet…came a wrestling/scrambling about.  At the crux of the problem was the person left was very much intricately who I am.  I did not know how to be someone new…all those years in I was not pretending…so he left me for being me.  I struggled to understand why or how anyone else could embrace the strength of my resolve and the weakness of rationale if it would be despite my best efforts to repackage or re-invent my presentation…maybe my purpose is not connected to a mans vision or need of me maybe my purpose is meant to enhance, energize, and even empower the purpose of God for our living and loving in God’s likeness. If so, God’s purpose would still prevail because it is and was not person specific but God intended. So I kept telling myself God’s purpose always prevails…people, positions, and even passion does not give, secure, or validate your purpose. It is God-given, sustained and secured in His will for your being.  People, positions, and passion enhance, empower, edify and educate your purpose.    

My mind kept pulling strength from “Bri you’ve been through worst than this (the abuse)…if the worst didn’t break you surely this (divorce) won’t “. The hardest thing to reconcile was I selectively chose him, how could I have been so wrong? Given the information presented and realized at the time…he was the best choice for me…he was my match…we could make it lifelong; right? Out of all the people in my life he could handle my ugly and beautiful…he had years to his credit…and he stayed when he had experienced the worst with me…he still chose to love me…that was to his credit…if he could love me at my worst how much more in my better.  It’s funny trying to safeguard one thing left me completely defenseless to another. I never even considered what would happen if I stopped spazzing out over any and everything (if he no longer had to deal with my version of crazy); if I stopped needing him to talk me down or reign me in, if I got or gained enough strength to get up out of the pain and jumped head first into pursuing, perceiving, and practicing God’s definition of life and love as set forth in the Word…that I would see and understand purpose dimensionally.  

Abuse is “something” it ranges in degrees:  divorce is gradual but once accepted it’s a one hit shot (well in my experience anyway).  I didn’t have to heal physically or sexually in the same degree as the abuse.  Emotionally, I didn’t have to deal with the particulars of what I felt in relation to what others felt, or how they were affected by what had happened to me. I didn’t have to negotiate their guilt, regret, and inability to protect me from the horrific. I knew to accept responsibility for my actions,  to own my choices, feelings and disregard the assumptions of those looking, luring, and lashing out at my person. Spiritually, I was more seasoned/ mature right off the back:  it wasn’t an option to leave God, this time it was already securely established in my heart that God is real and the truth of his Word will always get me through pain, problems, perplexities and pauses . I knew  I could leave a place, a person, or persons but it would never be an option for me to leave God.  He was and remains my choice and that’s what made it better/easier to go through because I knew no matter how bad I felt God was with me and if I pleased him he’d change the tides in my life…and ultimately this to had and was apart of my process ultimately getting me to His purpose.  I choose to stay with him and if this is where he was that’s where I wanted to be. My heart knew to give Him a chance.

  He’s brought me to a wonderful place in him:  it’s in him I live I move and have my being, I’d rather be nowhere else than right here with  him.  He gave me his word, I’ve been living and sustained by that very word in the dark seasons of life; so in essence that is what sustains me.  God esteems his word higher than his name, talking about sure ground!  In my heart of hearts I know that God had and has purpose in all this, that His purpose will prevail, destiny is not person specific but God intended and if I could just allow him to process me in and through the pain I’d get to His purpose…when it first started I asked  God what’s after this he said destiny, at the time in my narrow thinking and understanding I thought that meant restoration of my marriage, that together we would get to the promises of God toward me. 

Then I had a dream  about being pregnant by somebody other than him (my then husband)…and although it was not clear who’s baby it was I was disturbed at the fact that I got rid of what I’ve always wanted to ensure his comfort ability with it..I aborted the baby hoping that God would do it again…with us.  In waking hours I had to ask myself, is he worth losing or giving up/ never getting (experiencing) answered prayer… the promises of God?  There were so many dreams, discussions in prayer that included me but excluded him that I actually began to understand in application. I may be slow but once I get it…I got it!   These dreams stayed with me, I can recall them verbatim all alluding to something bigger…better that could not or would not happen with him. In short, he was not apart of my dimensional purpose and I was not apart of his.  We had fulfilled, accomplished, or completed what we were to teach, train, and even taunt in each other in the time allotted us. I finally accepted that this was God moving and motioning for to me to come into agreement with“His choice” of what my purpose would entail.   There are so many day dreams, open visions or pondering that have confirmed or enlightened me  to coming events which made me think I was crazy/losing my mind…so much so that I seriously considered committing myself. In my broken-ness I saw masses eagerly awaiting what would come from/through me.   I’ve been around the prophetic all my life but I denied its existence or presence within my own life because all I ever wanted was to be normal or like everyone else…being special or set apart cost too much…it’s a lonely road I didn’t enjoy traveling…and although I tried to fit in…I’ve always stuck out like a sore thumb pulsating HOT.  People seem to take issue with me especially when I’m trying to blend in or play down or small.  I thought if I ignored it long enough it would subside and go away…that no one would notice or detect the difference that attracted such negative attention: NOT because God’s purpose will always prevail.  Acknowledging, accepting, and acclimatizing to the things of the Spirit altered, changed/shifted/ my thought process and heart posture toward God, myself, and others moving me to a place of surrender I’ve never known or had the strength/courage to reach before all of this occurred. Purpose prevails.

 Drama free-living, no more daunting stories of loving and not being loved in ways that were affirming/advantageous is wonderful, beautiful, and glorious… everyday is important, impactful, and immeasurable full of bliss (blessings). I’m still here, still standing…stronger better…actively present in my relationship with our living, loving Savior, my security, and safe place no longer compartmentalized by emotions or experiences. I’ve disconnected and discarded the power surge that prevented the full flow of God moving and doing what He desires in and through me without any consideration of what could happen or may never happen because I finally understand my purpose is to fulfill His purpose.  It’s finally a resounding “Have Your Way…Do What and as You Please With me Lord Jesus”. “Yes to your purpose for all the pain, every problem and pause you allowed to develop my heart before you…to cultivate my particular brand of ministry to the hurting, hung up, hampered and hindered”.  God has graced me with a sensitivity, precision, and ability to pull people out of places of defeat, darkness, and death. It is not bias to my experience but empathetic to what that person is encountering which ever side of the spectrum they may fall. I’m not afraid of the ugly, unfathomable, or unfavorable…those things we don’t understand…can’t explain or reason away. God infuses me with his love and shows me how to confront the lie, or expose the enemy to His truth.  God uses me to speak directly to what’s wrong and enables me to remain loyal to the purpose He reveals to me despite what I see/know…that’s what He gives me to speak to, what He gives me to pray through. The abuse, the divorce, this season of transition has birthed forth my purpose.  My purpose is to be a conduit of God’s healing and deliverance…the flow of my pen, the sound of my voice, both my written and spoken word has been infused by the balm that heals.  Like the wailing women hired to help others mourn and come to a place of release God sends me in to demonstrate how if given a chance His Spirit will usher you into the release of pain, matriculate you through the  grieving and forgiveness process…what bellows out of me is more than singing…it’s the sound of deliverance…it’s spiritual warfare…it’s potently purposeful…gentle and gracious yet powerful as it helps move us from places of pain, perplexity, and the problematic…pause.

I’m enjoying choosing God’s heart and purpose for me, as a matter of fact I’m preferring both his heart and his purpose for me…I’m determined to be happy, content, and fulfilled by and in His purpose. I’m so done with the foolishness, freaking out, and fear…of what I or anyone else thinks, feels, and wants to believe about me. God’s heart is my reality and the sincere desire of my heart is to love Him, myself, and others whole heart. I want and live to see and help others experience the freedom God affords flawed humanity. 

 The enemy against our souls desires to change our  minds and hearts about God, ourselves and others BUT we’re giving God a chance… to prove Himself faithful that promised us life and love in abundance. Yes beyond the pain, the problems, the perplexities and pauses that the enemy is allowed to execute to bring about the purposes of God in us, for us… is a greater purpose. Trust God’s purpose for your being…nothing that has happened or will happen can change His heart toward you.   Trust and believe that God uses the bad to get us to the good!.  He did not do any of it or allow it to kill you…and the enemy is going to pay dearly for the mayhem, mishaps,and misery he has plagued your existence with.  That’s not the good news though, the great news is that You’re still here loved completely and entirely by our all-sufficient God… now that’s freedom, that’s living and it produces a  willingness to love.  Be strengthened by the love of God that is evident and manifesting in your current reality. 

Together  we’re growing up in God, able to accept those things we can not change, no longer intimidated by those things we can change and confront if it is impeding our purpose and preventing us from living and loving in His likeness.  We needed someone to vindicate our pain, to right the injustice, and carry the burden of our flawed humanity…Jesus did that for us…He said and is saying “I understand, forgive, and still love you… be you the victim or the victimizer…give my love for you a chance…I’ll make it up to you!”   In the scheme of things all that matters is God’s heart toward us, our heart towards Him, and the assignment He’s given us to live and love in His likeness.

 I wanted, needed to get to wholeness…I wanted to gift promise with the original purpose of my person…God’s granting us that.  How exciting…what expectation…It is my extreme honor to live and love in His likeness because I understand in a very small way…what the authentic gift of love requires (suffering, sacrifice, and singleness of purpose). So like the woman with the alabaster box I’m pouring  my costly oil upon the feet of Jesus, admonishing everyone that reads this to break what has cost you as well in exchange for the purpose God has for your being. God’s purpose prevails!

There is purpose in the pain… if given a chance God’s love for you… will cultivate the passion needed to propel you into promise~AntTBri