In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

Have you ever noticed there are some things we “get” quickly and then there are those things that dawn on us in time?  Life and love seems to include a number of delayed reactions. I for one have learned to embrace the fact that there are some things about life and love that I easily grasp, grope and grab… but a host of things that go completely over my head.  I am the first to admit w/o shame or defense “I totally missed that” “I don’t get it” “I didn’t see or anticipate that” “wow, how did that get past me””I totally got, heard, interpreted that wrong” if I don’t start laughing at myself for the imperfection and use my disclaimer “that’s the challenge of being a genius the little/simple things elude you” (lol).  All joking aside…it has taken a very long time for me to realize that in life and love there is a Developing No that has nothing to do with how much you pray, fast, quote scriptures, believe and trust God but everything to do with what we learn through the confessions of faith, contributors of faith, contradictions of faith and the conclusion of faith as we live and love in His Likeness.

If you are like me you were taught the principles of faith early on in your Christian walk. We know what faith is and what it is not.  We are a people of faith. We believe God…no ifs, ands and buts about it.  Our confessions are laced with faith…we do the work of faith (build ourselves up in the Word to remain/maintain in faith…believers are offensive and defensive players in terms of faith.  Praying the Word over our families, friendships, and finances believing that we shall have what we pray.  We believe that we shall have (receive) what we pray as long as we pray God’s Word and will over situations, sickness, and stagnates.  It is the believer’s goal to stand, stay, and stick with faith.  Most Christians will not discuss the paradox of faith nor will they openly admit to the contradictions of faith when concluding that they’ve been saved by faith.  Yes there are times when you pray earnestly in faith, when you confess all the right scriptures, do all the right things (repent and turn away from sin), perform your duty as unto the Lord with dedication, devoutness, and due diligence and the answer to your biblically based prayer is a DEVELOPED NO.

It seems it would have been advantageous to teach new converts that faith in and of itself is dependent upon the will of God and not the energy or effort of your works as you live and love in His likeness. Yes we are to believe in God…we are to trust Him completely in everything…trust Him to be God of (in) all situations.  Faith in God does not secure outcomes…rather it sustains us in outcomes.  There are stages of faith.  Faith develops in the life and love of a believer. It starts off simple (confession) and becomes complex (when we are given the opportunity to confront the contradiction).

I wish I would have known this early on but if I had I would have never grown to the conclusion of faith.  I am a natural-born nurturer…there is something about caring for, nurturing and nourishing life and love in others appeals to and pulls at my heart-strings.  Cultivating the growth and development of others grants me a greater sense of purpose…nothing fulfils me more.  So needless to say, it was my natural assumption that I would be and make an awesome mother.  Almost all of my early prayers included petition and praise for my future husband and children.  I was convinced that I didn’t have the gift of singleness and had the gift of motherhood so I prayed over their conception, delivery, and destinies (since age 12).  Even when I received the diagnosis’s of PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) at age 18 and was told that it was unlikely that I would conceive children at 21. I believed…prayed, fasted and I probably know every scripture pertinent to God’s perspective of healing and marriage…which is why it is so easy for me to pen or script my prayers and flow in the topic effortlessly.

In the meantime, while I waited for manifestation I built an incredible hope chest (faith without works is dead right?) and I was sure to seed into the lives of expectant parents.  I can’t even tell you how many packs of diapers, wipes, outfits, nursery items and equipment I’ve purchased for strangers in department stores. I’ve thrown a number of baby showers, been a birthing coach, and a number of children’s someone extra (love you just because) person all in preparation for answered prayer.

After sometime, (lots of time) I began sharing the diagnosis with anyone I thought could get a prayer through…I’ve been doused with anointing oil, placed on strict eating regimen’s and have undergone more fertility exams than I care to remember… trying to work in conjunction with my faith but I never confronted the contradiction of faith.   I never learned to negotiate when the opposite of my confession transpires.  How do you combat the tendency to not put it all out there like that again?  How do you believe, stay vulnerable, and keep vocalizing desire?  If it didn’t happen or change the course of events when you prayed with your best foot forward what would make you believe again…the next time…if the situation presents itself again…without fear and disbelief?

With all that praying, during all those times of concentrated study and consecration…the desire to birth children never left me or lessened.  As a matter of fact it intensified when I got married and even more when I divorced.  I remember thinking (oh shoot how am I going to have babies without a husband…Lord you’re going to have to send him quick…my biological clock is ticking).  I like Rebecca went to “Jacob” while I was married asking “are you praying, asking God to open my womb…I’ll just die if you don’t give me a child”…ok not that dramatic but you get the picture I’m sure.  I prayed and I served God and his people relentlessly… cried like Hannah on the altar with those very same people who didn’t understand the silence of my pain while Leah and Hagar birthed their babies.  If I’m absolutely honest I’ve prayed for and with others believing for the gift of life and witnessed manifestation of what God said would be transpire in their lives.  Always believing, hoping against hope that all things are possible with my God. I was and am a pioneer of faith.  My mother says “I am the most call those things that are not as if they are so individual she knows”…(Iol). It is not hard for me to believe God for the impossible.

It never even occurred to me that there was a possibility that God was saying No to my request.  Not when the surgical procedure revealed the blockage of my left ovary (which lessened the chances of conception by 50%)…not when the hormonal therapy failed to regulate my cycles…not month after month when I finall had a regular cycle but never ovulated…it all registered as the testing of my faith.  I held on to the prophecies I received before I even knew there was a problem.  The word I had been given that life and love would happen for me…people use to call me out and tell me “God said you will have babies”…a few even told me “2 boys and a girl”.

At the time I thought it was simply confirmation… God letting me know He heard and was going to honor the request of my prayers.  And then there were those random phone calls that jarred me out of my sleep asking me to agree to adopt their babies (2 separate occasions).  Subsequently, the first would have afforded me the opportunity to be a mother of twin boys, and the second that of a daughter.  I don’t know if those were missed opportunities but at the time it was more important not to take advantage of the fears and current frustrations of my friends to see to my needs or desires being met.  When I think back on it I really do believe God gave me the fortitude to handle the concern for their care beyond the moment and that those opportunities afforded me time to gain confidence in trusting God to address and provide for me in the aftermath of my desire and decision to forgo Hagar’s contribution… no matter how much my desire tried to prompt this may be God’s answer to your prayers…could this be it hopes.

For whatever reason  birthing children naturally or adopting children optionally did not happen… which threw a huge monkey wrench in my application of faith (for a while) as I lived and loved…I could believe for other people but there was no way in hell I was going to ask or utter the request again.  I stopped asking God, stopped praying and fighting to believe or remain in faith. Like the woman in the bible who tried to avoid the prophets declaration I silenced all the this time next year declaration…justifying God doesn’t mean this or isn’t referring to me. I stopped talking about me, thinking about me and jumped feet first into believing God for others. I told God “I can’t fight for promise any longer too many losses, too much lack…too less reward”.  Simply put, I was tired of being disappointed, delayed, and or disoriented by the application of faith.

I had been a good girl for most of my life (except for my first semester of college (smh), followed all the good girl rules and according to my limited understanding of faith for healing or anything else that mattered to me had failed…but seem to work for others.  My marriage had ended, his then mistress was living my dream…carrying his child…and everyone was laughing (not really but it felt like it).  I stopped asking, believing, and trusting in so-called prayers that availed much (for me anyway).  But something deep down kept nagging at my resolve…pulling me into another conversation…not inclusive of husbands and babies…dashed hopes, and never experienced fulfillment of promises…separate from what I pray…and significant to why I pray.

During this time my understanding of faith expanded or should I say clarified.  You see my relationship with God proved to be authentic and not dependent upon fancy formulas of faith, saying all the right words, doing all the right things to get MY expected end.  I realize that God was not my personal genie.  I could not woo Him with my praise and adoration or bend His will to my desire or wants based upon my confession or contriving. What person do you know decides, determines, or dictates their inheritance?  A developing No helped me lose the need to control the variables…helped me not need to have a say.  A developing No taught me how to appropriately exact the institution of faith…I learned to seek and pray God’s heart on a matter and not insist on that of my own.  I learned to pray His heart despite my emotion and allow Him to share His heart instead of me always sharing mines.  I learn to bring my heart into alignment, to adapt and adjust to a developing No because my faith in actuality had nothing to do with what I did for God but everything to do with who He was to me, and how I allowed Him to manifest in and through me in life and love.  With or without a husband, children…those things I thought verified or proved to the world that I had a faith walk changed the moment I realized the benefit of a DEVELOPING NO.

A developing No brought me to the conclusion of faith and forced me to confront the contradiction of faith.  Some things we pray in honesty, in sincerity, and for all the right reasons are in conflict with the purposes of God for our and others lives.  Just in this last year I’ve released, gave away every single item of my hope chest…it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. The conclusion of faith liberated me from the need to prove or disapprove any contradiction of my said faith.  With or without the proof of my faith I believe that God is God, his heart is toward me…and no good thing will he withhold from me if I walk upright before Him.  I love Him completely and the loss of a husband or the lack of children in my present or future is not a deal breaker.  He decides the particulars for my life and love.  His yes is yes and His no is no…so be it unto me.   In all things my faith in God allows Him the right to do as He pleases, when He pleases and How he pleases rather I agree or NOT.  I learned to accept, adapt, and even adjust to the developing No.  My times of prayer were not wasted, invested in vain…I am now proficient in intercession (finding an applicable Word) to pray, praise, and proclaim over barren, broken, and burdened places…the defining factor of faith is being sure to pray God’s Word and heart despite our human fluctuations, frustrations, feelings and fears .

Life and love in God’s likeness (for me) is a different type of experience and expression on all levels so it took a very long time for me to realize that  it isn’t the common understanding of all believers because not everyone learns the advantage of a Developing No.  We seem to be oblivious to some things and crystal clear on others… grasping, groping and grabbing at the stages of faith as we live and love in His likeness. So what do we do, how do we adapt, adjust, and accept a Developing NO when our request is sanctioned by the Word?  Are their times when the faith formula doesn’t work?  Does living and loving in God’s likeness manifest delayed reactions? Do we have to confront the contradictions of faith while we live and love? Do we come to the conclusion of faith as a result of a DEVELOPING NO through the lessons we learn from the process? Must we confess, contribute, confront and conclude that the believer must have faith in God and faith for God to be God of the situation? Should we remember that He decides, determines, and delegates His authority? Is the conclusion of faith to always… always… always… seek and expect His purposes to prevail… especially upon the realization of a DEVELOPING NO?

No simply means…God’s coming, going to move another way…He knows what’s best, beneficial and what would prove to be the blessing that will add to you or another as we live and love in His likeness.  Have faith in God even when you don’t want to, when it seems faith has failed you because in the end your reality will reflect God’s heart toward you which is better than what you can ask or think for yourself or others.  He knows what’s best and He truly does do all things well. So allow yourself the liberty to cry, and mourn the loss of this particular yes, don’t rush through the process, God can deal with our honesty…cast all your cares on Him for he continually cares for you…allow Him to be your help as you work through all you feel in terms of a DEVELOPING NO then conclude “I have faith in God…Lord I believe but bless my attempts to confess and confront my unbelief~AntTBri