In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

At first glance, she seems harsh, abrupt, and crass because she doesn’t filter her statements.  If you were to see or hear us together we would appear every bit of opposite. She being more domineering and me more docile…I confer my right to assert myself beyond her comfort level because it takes less energy and i only fight battles I can win. She is my elder, my friend, but most importantly she is my godmother. I affectionately call her “short(ie) pow wow”…for all that manifest negative there are so many positives that makes me so appreciative to have her in my life.  She’s my (short) Big Momma and I am proud to be her “big head”.  Our temperaments are vastly different but we work…she’s free to be her and I’m allowed to be me (just as crazy as I wanna be) let her tell it.  She is one of the few people that I can hear without engaging or erecting a defense…she is my safe place…one of the very few places that I allow myself to be vulnerable, needy and sensitive…although I don’t cry.  She is not a soft woman nor am I comfortable with sharing or releasing tears so our dynamic works for us.  She can handle my detachment, independence, and version of crazy because it accommodates her own. Our discourse is raw, rugged, and sometimes even raunchy but we understand each other.  I’ve learned to take a deep breath, brace myself, and take it like a big girl…ultimately I learned to trust the manner in which she expresses and experiences life and love even though it differs in some respects from that of my own.  She is every bit as hard as she is consistent, loyal, and loving.  She has one of the biggest hearts I’ve been privileged to encounter and she exhausts the gift of helps…the lengths she goes for people images God in every way.

Not too long ago I was reading one of my posts to her, off the blog…she is as “old school” as they come, very resistive to change and she is a straight shooter so I often temper what I say through the scrutiny of her perspective.  She doesn’t mind and liberally tells it like she sees it without thought or care for how you will feel about it.  So I often run concepts by her and if I really think the particular post is good I read it to her because explaining how to access the website has proved a waste of time and frustrating for us both.  This particular day I was ecstatic…amazed even how it all came together without objectifying the people or being unfair to the content.  I was going on and on about how I want to help people see the God perspective in all life’s events and she shakes her head in agreement and says “yeah that’s all good and dandy but can you tell me one thing? (I take a deep breath, brace myself and say what) why is it that white people (oh boy here we go) can come out with a concept and be rich the very next weekend?  She looked me straight in the eye and said “all this is fine and well but you ain’t making no money.  What happened to the money I gave you to publish the book, why you sitting on all this stuff?  How many books have you written since then? I’m tired of hearing about what you want to do, you been talking about this for years, when you gone start making some money, doing what you’re already doing? Do me a favor use that big head of yours and find away to make us some money…you’re just as good if not better than the best of them…quit giving what people should be paying for away for free.  Don’t come to me one more time talking about what you want to do, or going to do… I don’t even want to hear about your plan…we done been there heard that…just do it.  I’m for real, it all sounds good but the next time we talk about something you write it better be helping more than the people reading it…hell you should be rich with all you be writing.  I ask God all the time as talented and dedicated as this chick is to you why she ain’t got no money?”

I was absolutely speechless because in that moment I did not know how to communicate my limitations without exposing my faithlessness in this area.  How could I tell her that it wasn’t God but my approach to money that has hindered my progression.  How could I tell her that asking for money, putting a price or tag on what I do is repulsive and very problematic for me, not because I don’t see or perceive the value of what I have to offer *my* gift, nor is it out of some false sense of humility (which I know she thinks it is) and its definitely not a result of not needing or appreciating money.  I don’  t ask God for certain things…even though I talk to him about everything.  Weird right? I know it is…I would say to God if I had, then I would or if you bless me with I will. God I want to be debt free…I dont want to owe no man nothing…God I want to be able to purchase the plaza, payoff my churches debt, and gift college educations, vacations homes, etc. Honorable discourse right? Did you notice I failed to ask, inquire or request how to make money at that level.  I listed acts of service I felt would merit or qualify for being blessed in such a manner. I believe in prosperity and people that know me will attest that I don’t worry about money.  God has always and continues to provide for me.  I trust Him completely but I did not recognize that how I practice request with Him translates to every other area of my life and love.  I don’t ask for anything, not from my mother or father, siblings, friends…my relationships major on reciprocal…an exchange I do this for you in exchange for whatever it is you give or provide for me (it’s an unspoken often times unnoticeable factor of how I relate and release with others). All these years I took offense at my family saying I’m controlling with the even rebuttal I get things done…yeah I pretty much set up everything about my life and love with predictable and measurable out comes. I don’t venture beyond my comfort or take miscalculated risk. I do like to control the variables which makes me a bully and a punk in terms of both my living and loving (and this is not reflective of Gods likeness). How prideful right? Uggh, I wont even pretend or front I’m struggling with the other-side of the equation of repentance…this post is really about establishing accountability because I need help in turning away from this well established construct.

I’m coming to realize now that a lot of my issues, emotional detachment, isolation, guardedness and even schematic surrounding money talk is psychological. I’d rather pull my skin off my body than ask for anything, especially money.  Anyone that walks with me knows if you want me to have it…you have to give it to me in such away that leaves me no opportunity to refuse it.  Now I will gift you, love on you, state and share everything to let you know you matter, are important and mean something to me but its like pulling teeth to come to a place of trust where I can trust that what you’re offering is free and clear of having or hanging a request I may not be able to honor over my head.  The way money has been handled, dangled, and even used to control variables has built up this emotional resistance in me and until recently I never even attempted to change or resolve why this is extreme and inappropriate for me as a believer.  I know this sounds crazy and it has components of retardation but I’d rather get it, make it happen on my own than make a request or be indebted to anyone..especially the people I love. Staying free in our exchange is real important to me…having to do as oppose to wanting to do makes for a very different type of experience with me (still healing in this area…pray my strength)…no really PRAY.  I’ve prided myself on not asking, depending on people to buy, pay or purchase anything for me. I will and have gone without and no one was the wiser because the broke me looks, lives, and loves just like the bountiful me.  If I can’t get it, do it…it doesn’t bother me…I understand why I’m going with out it, or why I don’t have it…I’ll get it…I always got a side hustle and if it doesn’t come about or happen I figure the timing is off or it wasn’t for me at the time. So my not having an abundance of money as a result of my effort has not hampered how I feel about me, life or love.  My not really having an expectation of others keeps me from disappointment and always affords me the opportunity to be shocked or awed by kind gestures and expressions because literally I was not expecting it. I guess I’ve lived at the level I know how to create and produce for myself too long because what I viewed as contentment is blaring complacency and crazy in the aftermath of my godmother’s statements to me.

I’m working really hard to resolve my issue with money talk, trying desperately to think differently about the pros and cons of what having, requesting, and acquiring it though multiple streams of resources could mean in the quality and quantity of what I’m currently producing as I live and love. When you know better…it is said that you do better.  My godmother was right I got to find away to make all this work for us.  As always it is my desire to live and love in such a way that testifies to the advantage of being spiritual and smart.  So I will openly admit I haven’t been smart in terms of how money talks nor have I heard positively the messages of proper appropriation.  I will be the same the person, have the same heart, use the lessons of mishandling to ground me in my treatment of others with and without it but I will no longer avoid, abscond, or be afraid to live and love in consequence to having money. I’ve finally come to a place where I’m freely letting go of old associations so I can open up to new affiliations.  Take the limits off mentally and then life and love will produce increase for you spiritually. Bondage, being captive, and broke is bondage, captive and broke no matter how you say it or decoratively present it (in between blessings) (in the process of healing) and for most of us it is not a derivative of lack of talent, ideas, or purpose.  It is not that we are not good people, gracious or godly…its our choice to not do what it takes to get past the hang up, hick up or hurt up. We have the desire to excel, to be exemplary in all our efforts and the proving track record that we will work diligently, intelligently, and even spiritually toward what we believe.  The bible says “we have not because we ask not” so today and every day after this I’m encouraging us to ask, request and inquire of the Lord for the proper mindset, heart posture, and approach in securing life and love along with Money that talks~AntTBri