In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

There is something to be said about the heart of a person that messes up big time; but cares enough to address the area of pain he or she inflicted.  If he or she admits their error, addresses your emotion, and exhibits a willingness to become accountable in the area of offense…why wouldn’t we give them an opportunity to be forgiven?  Sometimes we blow it intentionally and then there are those times we didn’t plan, premeditate, or precursor the offense.  We get caught up or caught off guard… most times we blow it when we get lost in what we feel, think we know, and try to obtain for ourselves in our own strength.  There are times when we feel our way into trouble, when we fall into living needs based because we feel we deserve the extra attention, affirmation, and attainment be it in a person or thing we’ve deemed necessary in or for the moment. Such is the case in many scenarios of infidelity, indiscretions, and infringements of life and love.  Trust is often broken because someone decided to put their needs above what was assumed, agreed upon, and accepted as natural occurrence.  We often define, defend and even disregard life and love based upon how we feel at the time.

Having been both the cheater and cheated on I’ve learned to value recompense.  When I was the cheater all that mattered was the point I aimed to prove (to myself not so much to him). My choice, my decision…my actions had everything to do with what I felt in terms of me at the time.  I didn’t realize how irrational, selfish, and stupid my thought process was.  How low my self-esteem had to have been to choose to be played with and over.  Why would I share or give them all of me when they could only give me limited pleasure, time, and attention?  Who in their right mind would choose to be a piece on the side or would settle for secret sessions of “loving” when life and love could be shared and experienced advantageously out front, out right in the open?  Persons suffering from low self-esteem, insecurities and inadequacies they cannot reconcile.  Persons that feel they were deprived from attention, affirmation, and acceptance in their mainstream relationships wander, wound, and are wayward in terms of both their living and their attempts at loving.

I’ve been that someone looking for affirmation, acceptance, and agreeing to be the other woman (girl)…playing second fiddle to a role I wasn’t ready, prepared, or equipped to fulfill.  My indiscretions had very little to do with the people themselves…they were simply a means to the end I aimed to achieve (feeling valued, worthwhile, needed…wanted). Say what you will and may but sometimes believing the lie that is presently wooing, working, and wandering into those places that are empty and void within is a viable option…despite what you’ve been taught, know or try to live by. Unlike some, but like many all of my indiscretions transpired while I was professing, pronouncing and proclaiming Jesus as Lord over my life. And although it would appear I’ve always walked the line…that living and loving in His likeness is effortless in my now…it is through the things learned during my rebound seasons that helped me understand recompense.  I understand that there are times when the false something or somebody over shadows and powers the seriousness of learning to negotiate nothing or nobody when you feel you need, want, deserve or got to have “it” now as oppose to later… until you learn better anyway. Back then, the only thing that mattered was that I was the one making the choice…it was the main consideration and duelly served as my consolation when reality tried to set in.

Thanks be to God that seasons change…all the foolishness I accepted and even inflicted came to a screeching halt once I realized that God didn’t have to convince nobody but me of my worth and value…it wasn’t about securing outward affirmation, acceptance, and affection it was about being able to love and live with myself.  In that moment…every insecurity, fear of inadequacy and inactivity of life and love began to shift…a new Sabrina embarked from the ashes of abuse and misuse of my own significance and specialness.  So much so that I made an internal vow to live and love differently in light of my new-found freedom.  My attitude, actions, and even assertion of love changed…what use to be attained easily became my prized possession. I was no longer interested, involved in or with anything that would infringe upon my ability to love God, myself, and others.

Some say once a cheater always a cheater…that has not been my experience although it was once my expression of life and love.  I had my reasons and at the time my reasons validated my bad choices.  I understand where my mind and heart was at the time and it didn’t mean I didn’t love who I was with…in its simplest form it only meant in those moments of indiscretion that I choose me.  If I wasn’t or didn’t know how to love me advantageously how could I render a different outcome with another?   I am so thankful that grace covered and healed the infractions of my choice before I entered into marriage and that infidelity is not a vice I had to wrestle or wrought.  Life and love after internal healing sets the platform or foundation of Recompense.

You see generally people give or provide for others what they themselves desire or need.  I gift my sisters, nieces, family and friends with attentiveness, affirmation, and acceptance.  My sisters and nieces have been lavishly loved; they’ve grown up in the auspices of continual applause…life and love in the affirmative.  They’ve always heard that they are beautiful, blessed, brilliant…valuable, worthwhile, and needed in my life.  I tried to give them what I felt I lacked or was deprived.  I tried to show them how to love and value themselves, how to hold themselves in great esteem…to live in conjunction with outward stimuli juxtapose to the need of it.  Choice minored in our discussions because character trumped in emphasis. My recompense to the women I inadvertently hurt…although they may never know of my indiscretion is to live and love differently and make the most of every opportunity to educate, empower, and encourage internal deliverance that manifest externally as we live in love. Everything about my life and love in His likeness is about exposing the disparities of humanity to the light of HIS Glory and Grace. A life given in return for the LIFE given is the only recompense for a love that has proved to be real and true.  The love of Jesus saved me from myself…the narcissistic self that didn’t value my or others opinion…that worked opposite my purpose, passion and the plan of God for my being.

Humanity fails to image perfection because we choose to live and love needs based.  Sometimes we get selfish and we only think about what we need, desire, and want. I usually get in trouble when I feel like I’m giving out more than I’m getting back…in those moments how somebody feels or will be affected by my choice is the last thing on my mind.  I’m merely thinking about me: running away from my insecurities, inadequacies, and insistence to matter more than my conviction, our shared connection and communion. The choices we make in such moments devastate, destroy, and detour relationship…hopefully my testimony of past failures make it easier for others to prevent or grow from the sincerity of true repentance.  Maybe you need to accept or give an apology…maybe you need to admit that your choice has hurt or hampered progression.  Maybe you simply need to express the love or love less ness of your choice because you want to gift another beneficially without past indiscretions popping up in the future and you want to safeguard what can be.  Maybe I apologize will open the door to a love and life that you feel you don’t deserve but God wants you to have. Assuredly, it is absolutely remarkable when the same person that broke your heart comes back around to bandage it beneficially. When you’ve done what it took to fracture family, friendship, and fellowship do you care enough to do what it takes to obtain forgiveness? Forgiveness is not hard when you understand the extent in which you’ve been forgiven (God, yourself, and by others). Being graced makes you gracious as you live and love…everything to our credit mirrors the change the love of God materialized.  The infraction may never be forgotten but when a person cares enough to solicit your forgiveness there’s an opportunity for healing and that my friend is the beauty of restoration, retribution, and most importantly the beginning steps toward you and God making recompense for those things experienced and expressed before you realized your purpose and those things predetermined for your passion as you live and love in the value of His likeness. Accept forgiveness (God, yourself) and then ask for forgiveness (others) and then approach life and love differently that God may get the glory and gift you with His heart toward you…fall forward and fancy recompense. ~AntTBri