In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

As a result of your tutorial I learned a many things about life and love. I learned how to be strong the importance and impertinence of inner strength. I learned the security of solitude, solidarity and singleness of heart. I learned to live and love independent of opinion, opportunity and obstinance.  You loved me enough to prepare me for reality… you have to live and love needing one thing SELF AWARENESS.

Daddy you taught me self awareness, how it curtails choice, character and conviction. You’re directly responsible for ensuring my choice of Jesus Christ was of my own choosing and authentic.  It was in your challenging me that my character developed whole.  I could not speak or show up weak in my conviction if I was going to survive life and love with you while you were training me.

I didn’t understand your methodology, mannerisms and motive in grooming or growing me independent of outside stimuli.  Your forcing me to get a clue about life and love in the rough. Your urgency in toughening me up and teaching me how to think, talk and tread proactively.  I use to think you were the cruelest man, that you were callous, cold and crude but time has given me time to reassess and find you are cognitive, creative and caring to a fault. 

Daddy I love you whole heart because like God you first loved me.  Your love for me saw this world would eat me up alive and utterly destroy me had not you tore me down to build up my resistance.  Thank you for loving me enough to do the breaking and not leaving it to the cruelty of others.  How frightening it must have been for you as my father to see me green, so innocently trusting and unexpectant of possible dangers, evil and game. It was good that you burst my idealistic bubble and immature opinion of myself and others.  Only a father’s love could care enough to withhold softness, sentimentality, and the security of daddy’s favor until I learned to not need it but appreciate and appropriately apply it.  You weren’t barbaric, a bully or brute you were brilliantly preparing me for the woman God created me to be.  You prepared me for life and love today…for such a time as this. Thank you for growing and grooming me within the context of balance.

Everyday, that is a day my life and love smiles upon remembrance of how far a father’s love would go to save me from realities I never knew existed or that I had to evade. Now when I hear you say “I love you, how proud you are of me or when you make reference to the goodness of my heart, my being our families gatekeeper and when you tell me I’m your friend” I tell God “thank you for my daddy, he made me work to like, love and know me”. I attribute my confidence, courage, choice of life and love, character and conviction to your training.

Daddy I celebrate you whole heart.  I appreciate the fact that you fought for me. That you continue to fight for me. Thank you for always supporting me, standing by me and sticking with me (even during our sabaticals).  Your love is a constant.  I’ve. come to understand the color of your words, the caution in your worry and the consistency to your way of living and loving me.

My dad and I was reunited when I turned seventeen after being estranged for some years.   One of the stories He told me about he and I when I was younger comes to mind in this moment.  My daddy said.”when I was little He and I went to a department store, that I spoke to one of the mannequins and when it didn’t speak back to me I started to cry and told him “daddy she won’t speak to me”.  Chronologically, I was older but emotionally, mentally and physically I arrived on my daddy’s door step still crying…”daddy life and love won’t acknowledge, accept or affirm me”.  I had little to no self esteem with nothing in tote but claims of salvation.  I was desperate for love and attention and I needed to belong…I was longing for a sense of family and could have easily settled into living and loving needs based.  God used my daddy, he taught me to accept, acknowledge and affirm myself, to not need that from life and love, to appreciate it if it is given but if it wasn’t I damn sure better know who I am (character), what I would and wouldn’t do (conviction) and what I wanted(choice) out of life and love for myself.  My daddy challenged me, corrected me and cared for me past life and loves limits…there were times when it felt like he was breaking me.  I was so soft, a weak mess of a girl…everything caused me panic and I was so easy to cry…soft spoken, shy, “stupid”, silly even.  I had been raised to believe I was special anointed sheltered from life and love outside of church, God and my mother’s watchful eye.  I’d do, become and say anything for the confession or promise of love.  First Sgt. Howard James Crosby wasn’t having it.  His daughter wasn’t going to be no airhead, he cared less about my being cute, singing, or going to church everytime the door opened.  His focus was the type of cute, Christian I would become. 

I’ll paraphrase less I cause you to get lost in my dads proficient  use of colorful adjectives “you’re not going to be one of them fancy holy roller bull spitting hypocrites  quoting moo fly scriptures eveytime you open your got damn mouth. Running to got damn church all the flipping time treating people like slop. My daddy didn’t want to hear about faith.  My daddy wanted to see faith in action. He would only respect what was really me…I couldn’t. trick, bs or manipulate him with religious jargon. 

I was always talking about family, my love for my siblings and how proud I was to be the big sister.  Why did I tell him that?  My daddy made me buy my younger brother and sister (my mom’s children) school clothes from my first 7-11 paycheck  (name brand) no Kmart shish.  Looking out for them, making sure they had what I didn’t have when I was their ages was a contigency of living “comfortably” under his roof. Talk about put your money where your mouth is.

He was a hard man during those times…but he’s been a heart man all my life. His heart is so precious to me and I so love my daddy.  He’s the first man that loved me enough to grow and groom me so my life and love would benefit me.  A father’s love is a girls first love. It will stand out, speak up and set the course for how they’ll live and love in the future. I live and love being and doing what I talk about.

What I later learned and why I celebrate my daddy so much in my now is in knowing that his problem wasn’t in my believing in God.  It was in my not believing in myself, my inability to see life and love is enhanced, enriched and extraordinary when You value what you have to offer not what you need or what you’re  trying to get for yourself.  I wish you could hear some of our daily conversations, the care and concern that is carried in his voice when he says hello, sees me.  He says my name with such affection, he sings it without realizing it.  He’s sure to let me know he wants to talk to me, that he looks forward to our daily conversations. My daddy is so attentive…”How’s Sabrina doing today”he’s invested in my happiness and he keeps me laughing.  He’s a funny dude, he supports me and makes me feel so incredibly loved. I live and I love knowing my daddy believes in me, he wants the best for me, he tells me all the time that I’m beautiful, smart a good person and that if I keep working and reconfiguring my aspiration to write it will pay off.  He’s sure to tell me I’m  gonna make somebody a very happy man…”Brina you gon be a good wife” smh (insider) gotta love him.

At fortytwo I still light up at the sound of his voice and although I don’t need to hear it to feel and be fulfilled God I thank you for the gift of my father’s life and love.  It’s some kind of special, spectacular and super.  Daddy my heart replays your words all the time”baby girl flip them haters and you keep being you”. You taught me how to love and celebrate myself that’s why life and love isn’t about competition, compromise or cohersion tactics.  It’s about grown up choices, character and conviction. My father’s love grew me up knowing.  God used you man…that’s a good thing…look how far we’ve come..how much we’ve. grown. 

A father’s love can turn life and love around.  My earthly father helped me find the courage to discover the safety, security and sureness of my relationship. with the heavenly Father.  I learned to trust both father’s judgment, jurisdiction and justifications of life and love.  My heavenly Father helped me understand my earthly father’s heart and I was able to see him and his choices as purposeful…apart of a greater plan.  Any disreguard, disrespect and delusions about his person lost its power to keep me angry, accusatory and absent in our exchanges.  My dad like your dad, did the very best he could at the time with the information available and given him.  We don’t know their internal pain, what they themselves were struggling with, what caused them to think and feel the way they did at the time.  We don’t really know whats in their hearts, their motivations we attribute meaning but it doesn’t mean it is so.  Some fathers have never been fathered themselves.  Other fathers were so wounded by their own parents that the fear of doing the same caused them to hide within their own selfishness, sorrow and stagnacy.  Whatever their reasoning God allowed it to be or not be for a purpose.  There’s some good in horrific accunts and some bad in hallelujah accounts.  The point is to not need either account to feel worthy of life and love.  Be thankful for gift of a Father’s love that will groom and grow you up whole.  No more crying about outside acceptance, affirmation. and acknowledgment.  Your heavenly Father acknowledges, affirms and accepts you for who you are. He believes in you.  He lights up when you’re being the You he created you to be.  Everything he allowed or didn’t allow was for character building, conviction ability to choose  ~AntTBri