In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

After not seeing or spending more than five or ten minutes with my mom in the last two months or so I talked a straight twenty five minutes the other day. When I noticed I told her “I think all this time here alone is…” She chimes in and says “all this time by yourself makes you fun. You’re relaxed…free. I’m really having fun with you right now.  You do good alone, by yourself works for you”. Another time or day that would have sparked a counter “and by saying that you mean”? To date, it just makes me pause, ponder and process without putting up a defense.  I’m a good speechless. stunned even by her perception.  I honestly agree. Go figure.

I really didn’t realize the change in me to be honest although I did notice that she and my siblings have been preoccupied living their lives (that’s an awesome thing)…long enough for me to miss their presence.  I noticed them not calling, asking or needing me to help or do anything (knock on wood) for them. I happily observed  that they have people that love them, people they are loving back so my concern levels have been relatively low. I noticed my being disturbingly ok with not being needed.

My mom is absolutely right I’m living and loving relaxed, free. I’m what she considers fun now (I’ve always been fun mom lol) because I’m finally single.  Finally living and loving without the press pressure and pull of holding us all together. I didn’t notice but in the quiet of alone I’ve been doing what I want, like and need to do just for me. I’ve gotten back to making peach iced tea and reading a novel to unwind.  I’m able to tap into my creativity with little to no effort, concentrate, DREAM and simply talk to God without interruptions.

I’m now able to decipher the me I’ve been and the me I am.  She lives and loves for peace and enough quiet to think.  She enjoys her own company and doesn’t need or require much stimulus (the television hasn’t been on in weeks). Well except for Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal on Thursday nights. I’d much rather read.

After years of thinking no believing listening to the clamouring, complaining and criticism of others meant you were caring, compassionate and Christian I’ve come to the conclusion NOT!!!  I’ve lived and loved giving people credit or priority they never asked for nor stated they wanted and in most cases proved they deserved.  Had not God allowed me this time of really being alone, by myself I’d probably be still cosigning the delusion of reciprocal relationship.  I’ve initiated more no I’m not doing that or this with or for you in the last few months that I’m starting to question why I ever choose to oblige in the first place. 

My heart will always want the very best for them and I treasure all it took for us to get to this place but I needed to tell them how grateful I am that I lived and loved long enough to appreciate them living independent of me.  Now that everyone is happy, now that I’ve tasted, tested and tried life and love minus being busy I’m productive in a fruitful way.

God knows what we need, when we need it.  This is a brand new type of free. God answers prayer…he has granted me singleness of heart. One focus God’s plan, purpose and promise for me. Single clarifies perspective it gives the wherewithal to live and love needing nothing but appreciating everything.  I appreciate discovering the me that thrives with or without people.  I no longer need the noise of life and love. I’ve found the pleasure of sound while living single.

The single sound of silence ushers in peace and tranquillity. It gives you an keen awareness of God, yourself and others.  Enough time to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.  I’m still very much a family person but living single has finally helped me establish healthy boundaries without pretense or fear of disappointing, hurting or letting anyone down. 

The single gift of perspective helped me realize if I’m depleted I’m irritable, indecisive and incorrigible.  I need time to do me or not do me…not having that single choice makes me not fun, unproductive (going through the motions) and most miserable. Given that single choice allows for a better experience and expression of love persons walk away knowing or feeling like I want, appreciate and enjoyed our interactions instead of feeling like I’ve tolerated them.  Wow…I apologize that was unfair, mean and wrong of me. Ugh I can be such a spoiled brat and not even realize it until it’s much too late. I’m doing better with that now that I know that’s something I need to keep surrendered to the work of the HolySpirit.

Now that single point has given me a greater sense of power. I’m taking ownership of MY choice and holding myself accountable to a higher standard God, myself then others. It is not helping, doing or being with people that was my problem it was my choosing to help, do and be feeling like I had to, was suppose to…that I had no choice that perplexed me. My heart was divided, pulled in so many directions that I felt trapped or unable to live out the yes I really wanted to give.  Well it’s a new day, a new repenting me determined to please God in this area. 

Now that I’m really single I’m enjoying life and love without appeasing my or anyone else’s notion of entitlement.  Everything is viewed and received as a gift of choice and that is the single reason I’m able to live and love different from before.  Saved, single and surrendered to the plan, purpose and promise of God for life and love makes SaBrina better or like my mom stated fun.  Who knew or would have thought?  God! He does all things well.  Life and love according to God’s Word, Way and Work requires our whole heart.

Looking. living and loving lighter (Psalms 86:11)~AntTBri