In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

Every so often, as we live and love, it becomes necessary to re  evaluate our relationship with God, ourselves and each other. It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut, take things forgranted and to miss opportunities of growth.  Relationships stop thriving long before the straw breaks the camel’s back. The beginning of the end is often ignored, categorized as something else or missed all together. How sad an occasion it becomes when vital relationships end abruptly. It’s never just a lost…it’s often a leu of little things never communicated because we didn’t want to hurt feelings, rock the boat or admit my needs have changed. Relationships often die as a result of a very little early stage fixable thing that was allowed to grow into a monstrosity.

Such was the case between my former pastor and I.  A fourteen year pivotal relationship ended horribly ten years ago. The end for me wasn’t the devastation it was all the things I wanted to say but never did because I thought my actions showed it. The interpretation of ones silence is subjective…your reasoning can be totally misconstrued…it’s murderous without actual commentary heart to heart We talked all the time but I never had “the” talk with him.  When you share so much it’s so easy to back burner the real stuff because you’re busy…you got things to do. So was the case with he and I. What a difference communicating could have made.  If I would have said “dad/pastor… ” and he could have heard “she’s disappointed and hurt that I didn’t have her back…that she feels emotionally let down and abandoned by my lack of action or response”.  My truth is I believed in his vision, I worked to help build the ministry and I stayed longer than I should have out of a false sense of loyalty and love of what we had done together. It is also my truth that I lost confidence in his leadership, and that I detested his weaknesses and resented him for not being who and what I had made him to be long before my actions betrayed me. So like a child throwing a tantrum to gain my father’s attention my  passive aggressive behavior helped him believe I didn’t have him, his heart or ministry at heart when life forced my words to tell him.  He could not hear me after the damage and I could not adequately articulate it while hurting. It was a hot, horrible mess…sad and unfortunate.

At the time my long list of works, the many things I did was my evidence and defense. I was good to him…to his family and ministry and he didn’t appreciate or support my gifting in a manner I could respect . In the soberness of this moment, it is clear to me  he  would have appreciated my words instead of all them works I thought he wanted and expected of me. If I’m absolutely honest he gave me more than I’ve ever given him credit for.  He gave me access, room, space to grow and develop.  He let me in, valued and trusted my opinion, gave me the authority to steward his ministry and money.  How betrayed he must have felt to hear my complaints against him from people not invested in our dynamic.  People who were not privy to both his private and public life.  How devasting the blow that I was harboring all these toxic feelings while serving as usual.   How inadequate my hurts when I too am guilty of the little thing that ended us…failure to communicate the real stuff.  If the relationship meant what I told myself it did why didn’t I care enough to honestly  communicate my feelings instead of compensating with my works.  By trying to be more of what he and the ministry needed without re evaluating.  I set him up to fail me.  I backed him into an unfair corner and then penalized him for not knowing we were no longer walking or working in one accord.  It was him, what I did for him and me feeling abandoned and betrayed by his lack of words concerning my works.  All them works account for nothing because a number of them were done when my heart was no longer in it even though I kept up the appearance it was.  I should of said something the first time I felt he threw me under the bus, the first time he back burnered my feelings at one of those come to Jesus meetings. I should have been honest, I was not strong enough to handle it and I needed no was hoping he would fight for me because he knew I was with and for him.  I should have asked him to explain those hard decisions…the times he sacrificed my heart, my feelings to do and say what was best for the flock. I should have played the dad card like he used the daughter card one time to many…this is what I need from you If we’re going to save the relationship. I didn’t though I kept quiet so long and accepted one-sided as long as you’re benefiting it’s all good. Not because the offenses kept accumulating tearing at my love, desire and need of and for him. The silence killed us, the aftermath really was just the remaining symptoms of being let down one time too many.

Thank God for repentance and restoration. Not another vital relationship will end abruptly without my having said with my words what it is I feel, desire and need for them to understand. Ever wonder why I always talk about loving whole heart? I learned the hard way what half heart produces. Ever get tired of being told the good stuff? I say it and show it because while  evaluating life and love I discovered people don’t always know you love and support them beyond your need of them. They don’t always get your sacrifice and labor of love is  your reasonable service unto God but a gift to them.  We don’t talk  enough about what it takes to keep relationships thriving nor how to help prepare the damage. Don’t mourn the loss of a vital relationship nor feel the regret of I should have cared enough to communicate my truth without assuming the outcome.

I wish  I could tell you my apology was enough to erase the fake smiles and pleasantries exchanged today…that there still isn’t the look of you hurt me deep when ever our eyes meet. Yes nine years later there is still a sting to the memory of it all that is masked by religious perfunctory. I cannot say that I was all wrong in my assessment of events although I fully own my part in the relationships demise. What I can say infactidly is every so often as I live and love I find it helpful to re  evaluate my pivotal relationships.  Am I still actively present, passionate, purposeful or pissed about what’s being or not being said and done? Am I assuming or living and loving in actuality?  Is there balance in what I’m giving and getting? Has my needs changed? If so, have I effectively communicated that  to the person who will benefit from hearing and knowing so? If the relationship ends today do they know from my saying it and showing them how much I love, believe, support and share in the purposes of God for their being? Yes they will know that they matter and mean so much to me. I love you enough to fight for what we share in common when life and love threaten’s to end us. I’ll tell you my truth and trust you to hear it and respond in a way that brings clarity and calm while it’s a little thing because my heart can’t take the monstrosity of the  big thing it becomes… when it ends us. I pray you decide to re evaluate your relationship with God, yourself and others and If need be take the time to really talk to those who at. Vital to your life and love.  Do all you can while you can…your silence may be hurting instead of helping matters. Trust me, you don’t want to be forced to live or love after that. It takes years to recover from such a little thing that went wrong. Listen and learn from a broken heart that’s still healing from the devastation of doing and getting it all wrong for so very long. We got to do the work of life and love…it keeps vital relationships thriving. I love you whole heart~AntTBri