In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

There are some places we  go with God that ushers in  beautiful tranquility. Life and love feels doable.  We enjoy the experience and don’t mind the journey.   Those places we expectantly, readily and willingly go  with God. There is no resistance or dread…this is where God is, where He is leading and taking me (high praise)…no fear, frustration or fight.  We follow and obey with so much  excitement and exuberance. 

There are those places of life and love however that are not feel good, everything is wonderful, warm and welcoming.  There are places we walk with God that are dark, daunting and death like that summons fear, frustration, fatigue and the desire to fight or kick against the bricks . We walk with God through the shadow of death be it. sickness, situations or unfavorable scenarios TRUSTING HE will get us where we need to be (mind, heart and actual place in Him). 

As I’m journeying with God towards restoration His Spirit keeps leading me to the place within myself that I don’t want to go.  The place I successful ignore and avoid at all cost. The place I pray, praise, Live and love as if it doesn’t exist and is not there. There…where my greatest disappointment resides. There where my deepest hurt, most broken, bruised and burned down walls exist.  There where I’m most vulnerable, most exposed is where God wants me to go. There we’re I’m held captive to what was done. There where my feelings are justifiable and my defensiveness is permissible.   There where I protect myself and never give people opportunity to deeply hurt or disappoint me again. There is the place God is accompanying me.  It’s as if He is saying, yes before we go further I need you to Trust me and go with me There.

There is the place prayer stops for me. There is the place the struggle is real.  There is the place of my undoing and I’d rather Live and love indifferent and ignoring it’s reality than deal or delve into it. BUT There is also the place I must pass through to get to the prepared place God is escorting and presenting me. I have to do away with the fear, frustration and fatigue.  I can no longer fight it.

So I’ve been taking necessary steps into the darkness with God.  Holding tightly to his hand trying to surrender and let it go…allowing the tears of anger, resentment, unforgiveness and almost hatred  to wash over the broken heart I usually deny.   Cognitive (ly) I understand they  did the best they  could with what they  knew, had and was working with at the time.  SPIRITUALLY,  I know and have regurgitated every verse on forgiveness. I’ve forgiven them in layers…thus the upgrade from hatred to strong dislike.  I am able to separate love the person and no appreciation for their treatment,  decision making or handling of me. It use to hurt me that I wasn’t a priority to her, that she put her and the needs of others before mine . If her love was suppose to be unconditional the conditions in which I received it cost me greatly.  This is the place I cannot reconcile what about me is so unloveable that she would sacrifice me, turn a blind eye or deaf ear to what was in my best interest and what I needed .  What would make a mother compete with her own child? What stops her,  won’t let her embrace who I am?

I’ve trained myself to not need her, to expect her to make everything about her, how she feels, what she wants and needs.  I’ve tried to be less than, not so threatening and intimidating so we could have some type of normalcy.  I got our dynamic down to a science. I don’t expect nothing she’s unable or unwilling to give.  I respect and thank her for giving me life and I Live and love feeling very much abandoned,  rejected and let down by her.

There is the place the faint at heart dare not go.  For they dare not tell God, themselves or others how they struggle in areas they are most proficient.   Less they be judged and made to feel like their truth is invalid, a fragment of their imagination or easy to get over. My strongest weakness and strength is my interpersonal relationship with my family.  Most of who I am with them is in rebellion or a refusal to accept this is how they choose our family will be.  All starting and ending with my opinion of her, who she is not and what I perceived she didn’t know how or have it in her to be.

My argument all these year’s  has been I am over it.  I don’t need or want it any longer …problem solved… fixed…She’s forgiven…I understand.  Maybe in my head but THERE in my heart are these unspoken walls and defense mechanism that prevent me from trusting her touch, that no longer welcomes her and her critique of me…that is comfortable with the distance that exist between us.  There is the root or source of most my hurt, humiliation and private horror…the very fact that my mother never choose me.  I wasn’t or for that matter no ones choice, they can take me or leave me and therefore I Live and love them based upon their comfort with me. It is what it is…not a victim just stating the hurtful facts.

There is the introductory phase of restoration. WE don’t like it, want to but it is required that we all go There. It’s not pretty, what one would think it was looking from the outside in and it’s definitely not what it should be. It it is the major shadow that threatens our  light, life and love.  We have to walk through this place trusting that no justifying  explanation may be given, understanding is not  needed to Live and Love free of it’s influence. God, His grace, goodness and mercy will help us face it and deliver us from it’s stronghold on life and love.

While I admire the mother she is to my siblings and the person she is for others…who she was and has been to me groomed and grew me up in God.  I love in light of what I never had, experienced, knew and longed for.  A number of motherless children have benefited from my inexperience.  I’m able to give, Live and Love up and out of my own pain less they feel that.  So,  because I can go no further and am desperately trying to go There (with GOD).  I can only encourage you that are  facing your own truth, be it dark, depressing and deeply hurtful do so with God. His Spirit will help  you  journey through it.  Tell Him the entire truth, allow His Spirit to guide you through it. Cry, cringe and confront your internal There and the Holy Spirit will comfort, console and correct your ability to shine the brightest light as you Live and Love.  If you sincerely desire to be restored accept, allow and agree with God when he leads you There…You’re not alone~AntTBri