In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

A few weeks ago my nephews treated me to dinner.   It was an “intervention ” talk where they shared their concern about me being by myself or alone for so long.  Their talk was so much BETTER than coming home to Imani and Jalen with the match. com profile filled out (Thank you Jesus).  That had me messed up for weeks (smh, I love my nieces and nephews).  The eldest nephew told me “Auntie you expend so much love that people don’t know how to take you.  They’re not use to the on pour… they can’t handle the  intensity so they don’t trust it.  Only the people that stay discover that you’re authentic and the love you give them is real”.

I sat there, floored by his assessment because in a matter of minutes he answered an unspoken question.  It started to become clear that his words rang true when he said “Auntie you love gullible, offering all of you without requiring people to earn or work for your love.  People don’t do that without hidden agendas…the majority of people in your life are trying to figure out what your motive is and the few that stay long enough to see  you genuinely want the best for them wear themselves out trying to match your capacity”.  Quiet observant for a 23 and 21 year old right?  The 23 year old said he’d pay good money that I’ve never been loved like I love.  He asked me do I know what that feels like?  After instructing me on what type of man I should be open to…they closed their part of the discussion with “Auntie we want you to be with the man who will love you like you’ve been loving everybody all this time.  Please promise us you won’t marry someone who can’t love you back”.  Heavy duty stuff.  It was hard to hear them tell me I keep choosing people who don’t know the love of God therefore they can’t reciprocate.   It was hard admitting that a lot of the hurt they’ve witnessed me enduring was  derived from mismatched friendships and unequally yoked relationships. It was easy however, to tell them the heart God has given me to love.

I love in light of the pain, rejection, misunderstanding, abuse etc. Because I can easily identify with being penalized for the gift, call or anointing on your life and know the loneliness that often accompanies Yes Lord.  Because I too have loved and lost,  gave my all to come up empty handed and know all to well the price of sacrifice.  I know what it is to need understanding, support, help in doing what God requires and meet contempt, criticism and competition in house. I know what it is to be forced to choose pleasing God or your mate.  I’ve  worn the public smile while  living the private lie (hell of my own choosing/doing).  I understand settling, even choosing based upon a current need.  But most of all I understand desiring one thing in your life being just for you, not about the people you serve…. what’s best for them or in their best interest.  I get it…I’ve been deeply hurt, depressed, devastated by life and love.  I remember very well the emptiness and void felt when you feel alone, abandoned and ashamed in your witness. It’s horrible, horrific and humbling at the same time.? Pain knows pain….and God’s heart is that you experience and express love differently.

I simply want to be God’s heart towards you. I simply want to live(walk) out the depiction of love Christ example sets. I’m willing to be used by God to help heal every where life and love has hurt, hindered and hampered your growth.  God’s going to use me, my example and expression to show something wonderfully new.

My nephews may or may not understand that my heart is to model how I am loved lavishly. That is my platform, point and purpose of loving whole heart.  God deems you worthy and I happened to agree.  I want you to know what it is and feels like to be loved authentically for who you  are privately and publicly without your having to do, give or be what I expect, desire or request.  I can give you me because you never had a me and that’s a gift I know you deserve.

My nephew’s  opinions are seated in their desire to visibly see me with someone of like character. They fear I’ve given up and exhibit no interest in marriage… they don’t want me to be alone with a house full of cats (how cute and funny) smh. They advised the best candidate is someone who has never been hurt, disappointed or let down by love.  Surmising that my intensity will then set the standard for our practice and he will gladly reciprocate because there would be nothing to compare or contrast its authenticity.   I disagree…the heart I’m groomed to secure, safeguard and saturate with an abundance of love will be joined by our likeness.  I’m gullible enough to take God at His Word, adapt his heart and live and love accordingly. They’ve given me their permission and request to love again since they’re all grown and the younger niece and nephew have never seen me with anyone hence the match.com fiasco (smh). Babyface’s “Given A Chance” summarizes why you. Living and loving to expend, exhaust and express the love of God like only I can…it’s who and how I am. I don’t know any other way to be. Overwhelming but authentic…and consistent ~AntTBri