In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

I never wanted to know what life and love would be like without prayer, purpose and passion. With prayer the uncertainties of life and love register bare able, my purpose fine tunes and my passion is renewed daily. The reality of prayer brings into focus the illusion of self sufficiency and the distortion of independence. I so need God in my life and love because I haven’t a clue how to navigate or negotiate the negatives on my own. So if given a choice with God or without God…my choice is with Him. He clarifies my purpose and sustains my passion when life on life’s terms and love on love’s terms happens. 

I’ve been living that type of month, everything that could happen to dampen, depress and distract me from entering  in to 2016 with great expectation, energy and exuberance has surfaced.  Thank God for prayer, for knowing my purpose and having the wherewithal to yield the direction of my passion to the Holy Spirit.  My not talking, writing about or sharing what’s going on with me has been intentional.  I can’t afford to be emotional because I need a strategy for how I’m to proceed going forward. 

When life and love changes I need time alone with God to shift my thinking and make the  necessary adjustments without other peoples opinions.  So I decided I wouldn’t be or make myself available to host and cook for the holidays, that my gift to myself would be time to discover what’s a necessity for this season.  And although my brother’s have picked up the baton for the greater part of our traditions all hell is breaking loose on other fronts.  Some of the decorative language used to express their displeasure with me right now, has me thinking “Well I never”.  The antics haven’t got a rise out of me, and certain family members privy to witnessing the foolishness have come to their wits end with the behavior so they called me forging an intervention. Well  I never…(just joking) they hardly ever agree with how I choose to deal/ handle life and love.  They are not me so I don’t expect them to.  It baffles me but for some reason the men in my life think I need saving or rescuing from myself.  I get them being concerned, caring but their behavior and dialog  borders feeling the right to control me.  As if they’re oblivious to my stubbornness and regard for independence.  Long story shorten I’m depleted of living and loving  doing and being what keeps us connected without holding them to the same accountability  so I took me out of the equation until I could be fully active and present with them. Going through the motions, begrudgingly cooking and giving what currently isn’t in my heart to give simply is not an option so I opted out.  They don’t understand it so they are mirroring the sentiment “Well I never”.

After a really bad blow up, the individual leaving my house abruptly one of my loves asked me  “why are you so calm, standing there smiling, so optimistic and willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, don’t you ever get sick of being nice and letting people give you their backside to kiss. Why won’t you just fight back”?

I haven’t answered them yet, but I will. I had to table the conversation because tempers were flaring and I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire. I accepted my chosen lifestyle would always be a disappointment and area of contention between us long ago so there was no need to repeat the obvious. The answer is simple, I whole heart believe I’m God’s responsibility, that He got me and His love for me is all that really matters when it comes down to it. To fall a part over what someone does or doesn’t do (the rights and wrongs of situations) is a slap in the face to all God does for me. He’s the one I take (trust) my disappointment, discontentment and discomfort to. He gets the tears, tantrums and talks so by time I get to the person or people involved I’m better than good; I’m heard, helped and on my way to being healed. It hurts my feelings not to be understood, it hurts my heart to be the source of someone’s pain and agrivation and to realize my feelings and thoughts don’t matter in relation to the point they are making at the time.  But in those moments I remind myself that Im human and even well thought out choices will incur ridicule and rage.  As hard as we may try we can’t please everybody so our objective has to remain pleasing God.  When living in that moment my heart was praying that I would be able to focus on God’s purpose for my being, that my heart wouldn’t change in relation to what was happening and being said. I was  smiling not to excuse a wrong or imply people can do any old thing to me and get away with it rather to respond opposite of tears and talking in that moment.

I trust God to be my defense, that He will right the wrong and He always makes it up to me. If he could hear me I’d tell him that’s the real secret to a woman’s heart…make her feel heard, address her fear and let her know you’re with her and she’ll keep talking, trying and tapping deeper into what she feels for and because of you. It’s that simple not rocket science or impossible for a man to master if he seeks God to understand the woman he’s trying to reach or convince. 

How do you explain relationship? Define intimacy? Image His likeness without upsetting those that emplore other options? I guess you get real comfortable living and loving with the appearance of being “alone, a push over and weak”. So not the case, but that’s another post. Thank God for Jesus and what we come to know of ourselves with and in Him. Fundamentally thats why I live and love praying, seeking God for His purpose for my being and trusting Him to keep me passionate towards life and love’s assignment because stuff happens that will have you thinking “Well I never”.  The desire to please and keep everyone happy would be my undoing if not for my reliance on prayer, desire to fulfill my purpose and determination to live and love passionate.

My smile symbolizes the hope I have and the benefit of the doubt given well that’s an extention of my faith that life and love after the moment will mirror the peace given when I pray about it. I don’t fight, argue or defend myself because God handles my life and love Best. It’s no wonder just an assurance that when I pray God will reveal His purpose for what is happening, the Holy Spirit will help me come into agreement and the passion in my heart will stay in alignment with the will to do what is God’s good for me. Still praying, living and loving on purpose and passionate irregardless of the bullying, badgering and bull coming my way. God got me…I’m not out here clueless, crazy or caring about things I have no control over…to be or react any other way wouldn’t be authentically me. I happen to love who and whose I am and the best gift I’ve ever been given was a life and love in Him. Saved, smart and savvy because love remains my gift to give.  Well I never will live or love opposite the opportunity to be authentic to who I’m chosen, commissioned and constrained to be for God. Purpose and passion is revealed and renewed as you live and love praying ~AntTBri