In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

December 13, 2015 my co-workers and I we’re informed that the grant for our program would be ending as of January 31, 2016.  Administration said they would try to place everyone but it was very probable that many of us would no longer have positions within the organization.  At that time, I was one of five being considered for one of  3 positions available.   The survivor in me immediately began submitting résumés, I applied, interviewed and even started working a  second job part time  while waiting for the first job to officially end.  I found comfort in having options, not having to guess or wonder…trust how my life would be as a result of someone else’s choice.  It was less nerve wrecking knowing I wasn’t living or loving vulnerable to their decision.  I had a back up plan, something in place to cushion the blow of losing my position on the 31st and having to pay my bills come February 1st.  Either way I would be good and wasn’t living dangling on a wing and a prayer.

While waiting to hear, the 3 available positions became 1 and it was given to someone else.  It didn’t matter to me because I already was employed elsewhere part time scheduled to become full time upon giving my notice.  One evening while at work I missed a meeting at church and was most miserable.  I started to talk to God…”this shift isn’t going to work” even though I was guaranteed to work no Tuesdays there was revivals, events coming up that I wouldn’t be able to attend..things I would be forced to miss. So I started to re-think and  negotiate my plan.  “God 2-10 is going to interfere with church, 11-7 is going to keep me from sleeping in my bed at night.  I need a Monday-Friday with the flexibility I have now. I know they’ve made their decision but God you can touch hearts, put me on their mind…the heart of the king is in your hands you turn it which ever way you want.  Lord I know they said they’re only budgeted to keep 1, but open a position for me”.  The next day I went  to work (day job) and everyone was discussing how I had  already found a job and administration wasn’t worried about trying to find placement for me.  I was sick, first why was my private business public and why had I jumped the gun and took the job as if I wouldn’t be chosen.  Why hadn’t I  believed in God’s favor, myself and gifting?  Had I forgot, that God blessed me with this job in the first place?  Did I think HE would leave me out there to hang for dry, let me down?  I was so upset with myself for not trusting, seeking or even asking what my course of action should be. Why hadn’t I asked and believed for a opportunity to stay with the company beyond the grant? Why didn’t I think, hope for and expect the best instead of immediately planning for the worst.  Was it an attempt at balance, realistic and responsible behavior or proof of my faithlessness?

My immediate response was not to really pray, seek counsel or even talk about it.  I just responded… started formulating a plan. I let the fear of not being picked, being forced to live off unemployment, current  financial obligations not being met…falling behind and having to start over yet again push me into desperation.  And my choice was biting me in the butt. Not only did I hate the second job, I felt disgusted with myself and choice. Why didn’t I just wait, give it sometime? Why did I jump the gun?  I kept scolding myself…that’s what you get, you know to trust God, what’s wrong with you?  When did you fixing it, finding away become an option?

It became an option when I began to feel God had let me down, that He failed me and have me out here looking foolish.  Those moments when I confessed all the right Scriptures but couldn’t understand or reconcile the present reality.  That harmless moment when I silently, secretly and sadistically  entertained the thought that God’s heart wasn’t towards me, for me and with me.  That hurtful moment when I stopped believing He had me and I had Him. When my focus changed and my heart shifted in response to life and love I didn’t even notice how far from the truth I had grown.  ALL I could attest to is feeling alone…having to secure things for myself.  All the up in the air, uncertainty and instability was driving me into hopeless and helplessness. A place I didn’t want or desire  to be.

January 28, 2016 at 7:46 in the am I received a email  stating I was to attend a mandatory training  January 29th at 9am. Not even thinking or noticing what that implied I assumed I received it in error because I was attending a meeting at 10am that morning to turn in my work phone and laptop.  Upon my arrival, while sitting at the table with people who basically (like myself) had counted me out I was informed that if I wanted it there was a position for me. Shocked would be an understatement for what I felt in that moment.  In that moment I felt such conviction, a renewed commitment to trust my times in His hands.  Of course God would make away and provide for me.  Of course He would take care of me. Of course He would remain faithful, do what He’s always done be and remain God of life and loves situations.

February 1, 2016 I started the job the Lord sustained and supplied just for me.  It’s weird to be chosen and not looked over and ignored.  It’s awesome when what you add to the team is acknowledged and awarded especially when those very things seemingly went unnoticed.  It’s also very  humbling when life and love forces you to deal with your fear, fickleness and foolishness.  Lord I so want to trust you beyond my experience, feelings and what I’ve grown accustomed to and think I know about the propensity of people. Thank you for proving me wrong and showing me something wonderfully new.   Im so grateful for YOUR  faithfulness! I don’t deserve and will never merit the vastness of your love towards me, the lengths you go to secure my footing in you.  Forgive me for doubting,  doubling back and denying you your rightful place in my life and love as Lord. Continue to help and heal me because I don’t want to be forever learning but never coming into Your truth for life and love.  No longer expecting to be overlooked, passed over or denied what you have for me. Unless the Lord BUILDS the house of life and love the building is in vain.  Settle me in the safety, security and surety of your heart towards me. It’s all working together…praying, praising and persistently trying to live and love up into God’s truth~AntTBri.