In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

“For YOU cause my lamp to be lighted and to shine;The Lord my God illumines my darkness.” Psalm 18:28 AMP

Last week, I received a notification that my godson’s mother, aka my  (baby momma) shared a post  to my timeline.  Preoccupied, I made a mental note to look at it when time permitted.  While completing my tasks I was wondering what picture she had posted and commented on, my “Mister” is always up to or doing something attention grabbing. If nothing else whatever it was guaranteed I’d be heart happy and smiling once I saw it.  Who even knew or thought her post would thrust me into deep introspection.  I wasn’t ready for  what my heart would feel and ponder, for the tears that would threatened to fall or the exhale I hadn’t even realized I needed to take. I wasn’t ready for the impending  emotional and spiritual break through that would eventually prompt this response. I wasn’t ready to admit a truth I tried to deny and a gift I taught myself to contain, control and confine to private personal practice. I wasn’t ready to acknowledge, own and be exposed or vulnerable publicly to the opinions of others.  But there it was beautifully written, heartfelt and sincere a very public declaration of how and who I am behind the scenes, with those persons God allows me to share a special connection. Stunned, speechless and shocked she accepts, appreciates, applauds and would publicly acknowledge  the very thing that has caused several people to distance themselves, discount and degrade my effort overwhelmed me…so I selected love, shared it and resolved to let the chips fall where the may.

In that instance, every memory that evoked my choice to love from a distance and in proportion challenged my failed attempt of being and doing under radar.  If a person, who initially had similar reservations about the authenticity of my life and loves approach grew to a place where she not only shares her son, but trusts their heart  and life to my influence what justification could I maintain in not allowing God full access to All He deposited within? How could I comfortably continue to hide or mask the fullness of How God moves in and through me and not share that with the world and  those that need what God entrusts  to my awareness? Why would I choose to allow these phantom musings to keep me looking at this gift as a curse and the cause of why no one chooses to stay, stick by or stand with me.  Could I to be guilty of believing the accusation that I ruin families, ministries, break hearts and and hurt people?  Is this why I prayed at the age of 11 if there was a chance I’d hurt my children like I had been hurt that God wouldn’t give me any? Is this why I never fully complied with the fertility regiment? Why it took me so long to stop running and avoiding the very assignment given me? Did I fear or not trust the opposite of familiar and consistent occurrence?

What was this constant pull, prompting, propelling…preparation  taking place in the darkness of my being? It could only be the very essence of God never allowing rest in my chosen form of complacency. It had to be the fullness of His glory resonating  upon my being, consciousness and giftedness until the need to explain, justify or defend who and how I am lost its emphasis.  How thankful I am that “It” kept chiding with my rationale, relationships and response  to life and love UNTIL the will to do what is His good pleasure fully developed in me.  Making life and love intolerable on the back burner, unfulfilling at a distance and forcibly pushed me to these okay God since you insist, I got to be authentically me opportunities.

It is through the unfolding of current events, experiences and expressions that clarification/classification of my placement has been illuminated. While, just being me in the moment, true to how I am when no one is watching God began to erase the residual effects of abandonment, accusation and abuse. I began to hear sentiments different without the weighted veil of  what usually happens. I could fathom owning, being responsible to  vastness of Gods gifting.  Understanding for the first time that I shouldn’t expect the rug to be pulled from under me, to be dropped, mishandled or that the people God allows to intimately know and see me to distance themselves, denounce His gifting (our dynamic) or discount my efforts.  They are not looking for or expecting the worst from me but benefiting positively from the God they’re able to see in/through my expression of love towards them.  In the manner that matters most to me they have and are showing me something wonderfully new…painting a different portrait on the canvas of my heart where I see the beauty of their gifting but also see the shine and sparkle that comes from within.

Dominique S. Johnson your expression of love helped me. It opened me up in areas only time can reveal.  You’re more than my baby momma, Dylan’s mother you’re an ambassador of Christ who speaks and shares unaware that it’s not just a moment of being mushy, sentimental or sensitive. God uses you at pivotal times to drop a seed, preparing the ground of our hearts for the watering He will provide in abundance. Your uncanny obedience, selflessness and willingness to push others to be great has been enhanced by so many life changing confirmations.  Because the last thing I want is to make either of us cry I’ll sincerely  say thank you for accepting, applauding and acknowledging the gift of God that operates through me.  I can honestly say I agree, that is my power, what makes me special and rare…the manner in which God uses me to express His love is my gift and I’m honored that’s the trait Dylan gets from my being apart of your lives.  You already know the reason I was hesitant in saying yes and why I had to pray before agreeing to walk this godmother role out so I know you know I mean it when I say I so appreciate your allowing our bond and support of how we’re growing together. Upon every smile, praise break,  meal shared and even tantrum my Mister  reminds me love is reciprocated differently and only needs to remain consistent, compassionate and caring to bring about the God outcome. He’ll probably forget the work of each gesture  but it is my hope that he will never forget the God factor present in the gift of Gods heart as it is expressed toward him through me.  Bet you didn’t anticipate I’d get all this or hear God say “when  I send you in, I’m  using  you like the wailing women of the bible  to help others come to a place of release. That He’d challenge the Physician to heal herself.  That He’d tell me to Stop agreeing, aligning yourself with and acting like the gift  is fraudulent.  Or affirm the very area the enemy has been attacking since my  youth is the gift that causes me to shine, stand out and be set apart for His glory.  Yes your post, put things in perspective. It’s causing me to Stop living and loving as if it hasn’t and doesn’t bring about Gods purpose. So there will be No more hiding, holding back or hampering to fit in, be accepted and perpetrating to appear normal or relatable. I see my hesitancy is preventing my own maturation…the duality of my existence tempers the woman I am but the  girl  never allowed to expand beyond the confounds of negative experiences and expressions. I’ve recommitted my heart, head and hands to the call and commission to love. Utterly schocked, specachless (well not so much anymore) that this would be how Gods glory best shines in and through me. Excited, energized and encouraged to just be me. I whole heart love the confidence and courage your love of me inspires.  I feel celebrated, valued and loved~AntTBri