In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

“It’s like this: when I was a child I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I became a man my thoughts grew far beyond those of my childhood, and now I have put away the childish things.” [1 Cor. 13:11 LB]

If you were to ask me of my happiest childhood memory, I’d tell you about my first answered prayer, when my mother finally had a baby girl (after 4 boys). It was the day they came home never have I ever felt so much joy. From the moment she came home, love exploded in my heart, she was my “baby”, and I was very protective, possessive and passionate in regard to her care. When she was old enough, we shared a room and there where very few things I wasn’t willing to share with her (she had me hook line and sinker) but there were a few items she was not to touch. I coddled her, spoiled her and lavishly loved her…she was mine. She was my gift and I whole heart loved her in a manner I had loved no other. For all intent and purposes she introduced me to being love. I took pride in being her big sister.It was at her birth I began to feel the joy of responsibility. It was such a delight to finally have a little sister.

When she was about 4 (which meant I was 15), I came home and discovered she had poured out all my perfume into the toilet and broken my unicorn figurine. Livid, I started screaming and crying, you would have thought she killed my dog…my mother alarmed by my distress came running up the stairs to see what was wrong. I can still see her facial expression at my response, it was a “are you for real?” “you got to be kidding me” demeanor. I was sooooo angry and hurt that she of all people (it would have been typical of one of the brothers) had cleaned me out and broken the very thing I always reminded her not to touch. At 15, my collection of Avon, and my Bff’s Christmas gift to me were my prized possessions. It’s comical now, in a small way only because I thought I’d never love a fragrance as much as I loved Foxfire, boy was I wrong, and I can no longer recall why unicorns were my favorite at the time, but I had mentioned it to Linda (my BFF at the time),and she surprised me with it. They meant a lot to me, I’ve always been a girly girl…enjoyed all things smell and look good (wink), the unicorn was so pretty. So, it felt like I was gutted (yes I have a flare for the dramatic), and she knew those were the things she was not to touch or play with of mine.

I hadn’t hit her, nor raised my voiced at her prior nor had I ever wanted her to get in trouble (be punished) but this day in that moment I screamed “what’s wrong with you, who thinks to pour out all my perfume”…I didn’t hit her, but I wanted to and felt our mother should have but she didn’t. I wanted her to feel my pain, to know she had done the unforgivable, the unicorn was handmade and could not be replaced and my collection of Avon was destroyed, there wasn’t a drop left. My answered prayer, this little stinker, my baby girl burst out laughing and kept laughing as my response intensified. I couldn’t believe it and my heart was pleading with her to stop. She thought the shiznic was funny (it so was not), and went about her way like nothing had happened. I was in consolable and no words or attempts to soothe me helped. It’s crazy how vividly I can remember this (smh).

That’s when we feel most provoked right? When it feels like an act was intentional, or what matters to us, how we feel isn’t regarded by another (perpetrator and others) we’re provoked to say and or do something to defend ourselves/stance. When what was done or said makes no sense to us, has no justifiable reason of occurrence we tend to precipitate in our humanity. Say what you will, but that has the propensity to alter how we display and demonstrate the God kind of love (spirit led). Personal preference, pet-peeves, positional points mishandled can trigger overly sensitive and angry responses. I chose this illustration because it hallmarks my referencing close relationships with “be careful because your response will change the dynamics of our relationship”. What a threat right, gesh… I didn’t understand it to be such prior to this reflection. I really have to apologize to my people…it’s so unfair that I impose and meant it every time I used it. I apologize yawl the Holy Spirit is helping me.

This experience and expression is the perfect set up for what the bible declares love is not see 1 Cor. 13:5. When provoked living and loving in His likeness is the furthest thing from our mind. I thought I was saving the relationship, preventing us from saying or doing something that we could not recover from…it felt noble, honorable even but it’s so antithetical to the purpose of God for our being. But that’s the goal, the objective, the target, right…to gift others with the God kind of love that endures? That’s what you and I are graced for, the reason and purpose of our being. You and I are capable, have the capacity and constraint to have love.

When contemplating the pitfalls of what love is not, this memory surfaced and became challenging… in that the discussion of intent in most cases is (subjective) perceived not specifically stated. I’ve been maintaining and exalting how I feel and perceive things as if it is the final authority. So much for casting down every thought and imagination…dang your girl hold grudges, can be vengeful and justifies withholding kindness, and thoughtfulness as I would otherwise employ. At four my little sister didn’t say “I poured out your perfume and broke your unicorn because…” it is very probable she could have been bored or upset that I wasn’t playing with or paying her any attention. She very well could have been just being a four year old. I assigned meaning and built a defense against her that governs how I deal with her (others) in the present. It was the start of mistrust, keeping people at bay, not divulging what’s held dear to my heart…where limiting access began. Really Bri?

I’d much rather pat myself on the back for being kind, thoughtful, patient…all the positives of what the Word declares love is. But how would I grow, do and be better? Nope I’m looking in the mirror and deciding things…no my thought process is going to change. Yes, this is the area that needs (is being) to be submitted to the work of the Holy Spirit. It’s the nemesis to all attempts of connection, vulnerability and consistently living out the God kind of love. It keeps people and unwanted interactions out, but it also prevents love as God determines we’re to give and experience it in. What good can be found in that?

If the thesis is that we are graced to be love, then the antithesis is everything that prevents or hinders us from living out the assignment of love. How we perceive motives, mannerisms, what is/isn’t said/done can derail our attempt to represent the God kind of love. It also isolates people, and puts them up against the wall of disappointment, and sets them up to fail us. It’s an invisible force that keeps them at bay, won’t allow them to reach the place consistency and presence can heal. Yes, the Holy Spirit has been repeatedly directing my devotion to this familiar text. When we attribute meaning to words and actions based upon our personality, perception, and past experience we demonstrate the opposite of what the Word ascribes… ^” Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, ⁵ never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong” [1 Cor. 13:4-5 TLB]. Yikes, (“and another one” in my DJ Khalid voice) I mind as well be an elephant because I notice and remember vividly when it’s done wrong. Lord, help me…

It took me weeks, months, years- maybe even this moment to get over the thought that my little sister actions were intentional. From that moment, until this moment I’ve positioned myself to be there for her (and many others) but have yet to trust her (them) with or grant her (them) access to what really matters to me. Have I really ever showed up, shared life uninhibited? I don’t think so, but I’m going to. But in truth; the prior has been my practice…that’s the area I’m graced (provoked) to submit to God. Admitting, I’ve successfully kept everyone, (even those I desire to be close to me) at a comfortable safe distance from the “little girl” easily impressed, impacted and influenced by what registers as beautiful. Accepting, the open heart that felt such elation in discovering God hears, listens and addresses (answers) my heart request has been damned up by the pollutants of negative thinking. Acquiescing, a life that appreciates effort, encourages creativity and shares significance is the life and love of abundance. Holy Spirit I’ve been so protective of her innocence, never ever divulging her full giftedness in fear of being taken advantage of, being handled harshly and cast aside like what I feel isn’t important or doesn’t matter that I’ve erected my own defense; forgive me, clean the slate and help me operate differently. I’ve nurtured and maintained this cloak of independence, not trusting or sharing the depth of my tears to anyone’s knowing, hiding the cracks in my own humanity as a defense. Through the complete finished work of Jesus Christ and the illumination of the Word the Holy Spirit is breathing life into the void. Wind of God break up the fallow ground of our hearts and minds, reestablish the foundation of your original intent and purpose for our being. Spirit of the living God free us from these constructs and strongholds that keeps us bound in the prison of our own thinking.

You are blessed of God, both beautiful and brilliant…great things come to and from you. You are graced for this, seize this opportunity, step into the new without limitation or hesitation. You are kind. You are thoughtful. You are love. Let’s be it together~AntTBri