In His Likeness w/ AntTBri

Make no mistake about it GETTING BACK TO IT is no easy feat.  Especially when you feel your reasons for leaving or escaping it was valid.  Life and love can at times convince you that you are doing the right thing or the best thing for all parties involved…leaving well enough alone can be a rewarding option if you learn to live opposite your natural response, inclination, or need to help others see it another more advantageous way (God’s perspective). You see typically people live and love based upon “feelings” not faith so if your conversation, counsel, and even comfort direct them to God’s way…you are often ostracized. Living and loving in God’s likeness authentically can be a very lonely road to travel…simply put it makes you the odd man or woman out.

The flip side of being gifted with enlightened perception is that there are those who set themselves as your competition…they seem to thrive off proving that they are more spiritual, special, or sensitive to the perplexities of life and love than you.  It becomes a battle of the wills and gifts.  What’s even sadder is when your competition is within your own family… jealousy is something to negotiate and try to evade when living and loving people who intentionally try to prove or disapprove a thing about who you are…it can wear you out and if you are not careful make you quit or put it down.  Waking up to conversations or walking up on conversations that are derogative, damaging, and detract from your effectiveness or efficiency in being you can be very disheartening to a pliable heart and a plausible cause. It did mines anyway so I let them have it…I never was trying to be great, stand out, or draw attention to myself it just happened. I’ve lived and loved most of my life trying to avoid the lime light, not needing or desiring to be the headliner…from the back ground…so I never understood the problem or position they or others (for that matter) have with me.  For some reason (I hope it’s that they see Jesus) people gravitate to what I have to say…they value my input and enjoy our interactions or interconnectedness…most people the Lord allows to benefit from my gifted (ness) come to a deep appreciation for the manner in which I live and love others (often those closest to me) feel I’m trying to show them up and they make comments about why and what I do even when they benefit from the same gifts. Certain family members take issue with the fact that everyone likes or loves me and set themselves as my competitors for attention or significance.  Me being me seems to make them feel bad about them being them.  How dysfunctional right?  People that hold so many things in common actually working against what naturally comes from you when you live and love to support, advance and encourage them to be the purposed them as well.  It is such a paradox because most of my biggest achievements lay in the foundation of assisting, aiding, and addressing the needs of families and yet my deepest hurts have derived from my experience within family.  At the core of who I am, who God gifted me to be is a resilience for building, maintaining, and even strengthening the bonds of family.  Charity starts at home and then it spreads abroad…so I have been living and loving to see it work in my own life first (in a manner that I could really appreciate).

There are a plenty things that give lively testimony to how God has used my life and love to bring about wonderful results for the families I’ve been blessed to impact and impart into but none as enduring as what God recently brought about within my own family.  Don’t get me wrong…there are a plenty things to credit the workings and moving of the Holy Spirit in our history as well (on both my mother and father side) but none of those things addressed my internal need for a personal win like the one I’m about to report.  My biggest desire and issue was I never felt like it was ok for me to be the me I could be with others freely… with them (both sides).  I did not want to enter promise broken, damaged, and still affected negatively by the “stuff” of life and love…I dare not even try or hope to the positive of attitudes and hearts changing in terms of how they saw, viewed, or accepted the gift of me.  I was embarrassed that they would be the ones discrediting, denying, mocking and even discounting the gifted (ness)  (blaming it on “I’m only playing, “stop being so sensitive”, or “I’m sorry you feel that way”).  They would be the ones half heartedly supporting, showing up, or showcasing what comes from me because of their personal focus, obstinacy, or lack of interest or their feeling that what I do isn’t that important…or too detailed to give it any thought or attention.  And if they did…they would do something to show or prove that they are just as talented (in which they are) to share the spot light or capture the attention they feel they rightfully deserved.  It has always bothered me that I feel the need to erect a defense with them…that I have to guard my heart in terms of their words and actions toward me as well as watch my response and handling of them to ensure it’s not an eye for an eye or a I can show you better than I can tell you fleshly response…through loving kindness we must draw our family and friends remember?  There must be an identifiable line of demarcation between the manner in which believers live and love and the way of the world attempts to do the same.  So my strength and struggle has been to balance who I am with who they need me to be which has been conflictual because I’ve been silencing, squelching, and even simmering the unction of the Holy Spirit telling me to Get Back To IT.

Until God allowed me opportunities to be the conduit of his love and grace toward my parents and by extension my siblings in an unexpected way. In his infinite wisdom He allowed what had been a secret to come to light 38 years later.  I received a call I never expected or realized I needed from my dad.  For the first time, that I can recall anyway my dad was vulnerable in his masculinity…he was not walled behind his usual strength and demeanor of adequacy and I could hear his heart without the barrier of his pain.  I could hear his pain but respond to his heart.  I was given the chance to be the real me with him.  The me that listens to understand and responds to address the need.  You see in this moment of admitting a previous indiscretion, and admission of imperfection my daddy needed to hear God’s heart and response to his failure.  I could tap into that…I could give him that and I did without fear, buffer, or repackaging.  I didn’t take advantage or expose the flaws of his humanity, judge him harshly or discredit who I know him to be today.  I could tell him in a manner he could hear it that my love of him was unconditional, that there was nothing him or anyone would/could reveal about him that would change my mind or make me turn my back on him…that I know the worst of him but choose to honor the best of him always…it was the opportunity I needed to show him instead of telling him how much I loved and respected him. God infused me as he often does with an unusual amount of understanding and support for what was needed and would help us (all of us) accept and acclimate to the new development pending.  My dad and I, along with my brother had the awesome opportunity to bond and stand together as we waited for our new-found brother to contact us.  My dad listened to my counsel, adhered to my conviction and did exactly what God gave me to tell him…and God brought it about exactly like He said He would without problem or negative consequence.  It has been a beautiful transition…a wonderful development for us all.

Subsequently, although not directly impacted but affected I was also given the opportunity to minister the same understanding and grace to my mother without bias or defense. I was able to stand flat-footed on the perception God gave me in the moment without defense and alarm to her response.  God gave me the words to speak to my brother’s mother and allowed me to be the constant reminder that He was in control and that this was an opportunity of healing, restoration, and a blessing for us all…that God purposed a greater outcome than any of us could plan or procure for ourselves.  I spoke life…I breathed faith into hopelessness and desperation which motivated me to GET BACK TO IT!  I was back…praying forth and speaking to the God plan…waiting, watching, and working the Word that proclaims no good thing will God withhold from those that love him and walk up right before Him.  God promises that if we ask (His will) we shall have…and He even goes as far to say we have not because we ask NOT.  If that’s not enough motivation to Get Back To It I don’t know what is.

For me, life and love felt like it was a series of layaways…its yours but you cannot have it yet and I really didn’t want to wait the suggested six months to a year.  I knew God honored sincere prayer so I picked up my faith…opened my mouth and begin to pray, praise, and proclaim the Word over the purpose of God for me and my families lives.  I spoke to the root of bitterness, anger, (un)forgiveness preventing the free flow of the anointing to transcend time and bring God’s purposes about.  I spoke to fear, uncertainty, the argument of right and wrongs as we understood and perceived them to be.  I spoke to the hardness of hearts, the stubbornness of wills, but most of all I spoke to the damage 38 years had done to impacted hearts.  When given the opportunity I encouraged everybody to pray and expect God to honor His Word.  I went at it every day intentionally without fail and on the 21^st day…the silence broke.  I woke up to an inbox message from someone I didn’t know but already accepted and loved completely.  My brother out of everyone he could have contacted…reached out to me.  My voice was the first voice that welcomed him into the Crosby clan.  God used my mannerism, personality, gifted (ness) to speak to and address the complexities of finding out that our father was anxiously awaiting the opportunity to speak with, get to know and love him and his wife and seven children as well.

God used my brother Antoine, his family, (his mother included) to help me get up, and get back to it.  So I got to thinking if prayer, praising, and proclaiming the Word worked for this situation…I wonder if it will work for the BIG B lay away.  Life and love with Antoine, Damita and my nieces and nephews has turned out to be a blessing with many returns which jumped started a deeper resolve of Getting Back to It intentionally, proactively, and passionately.  Oh and so far they like and love me for being me…it’s the only me showing up and they haven’t turned me away or abscond the gift of my particular gifting.  As a matter of fact Antoine has taken a particular interest in ensuring the world hears or reads what comes from me…that is (so funny and cute to me) so much so that my dad who has always supported my writing is looking to find away to become a more active participant in helping AntTBri get published and distributed.  They are pushing and promoting me to be me.  It did not happen through the avenue I thought I needed to move forward but God is allowing it to happen…and maybe the other side of my family will join in and come along.  If not I no longer need it (their interest or ok) nor will I let it continue to stop or impede my potential or progress.  I own the fact that I let their response matter more than it should have.  I will always love them and accept them for who they allow themselves to be but I’m choosing that getting back to it means more than staying in the box of their comfort and acceptance…my future is awaiting me. Shaking it off, shouting to the top of my lungs: “free at last free at last…Thank God all mighty I’m free at last”! Yes its high time and I’m getting back to it…authentically living and loving in God’s likeness is the only option and way to promise most assuredly. Getting back to what I know how to do: pray, praise, and proclaim the Word God is speaking to bring His purposes about, I’m back home in my own skin, gifted (ness), personality and particularities without apology or defense…loving and living without fear of who will leave or won’t show up for my up and coming banquet of love…resting in the fact that Getting Back To It is God’s desire, design, and delegation for my being. ~AntTBri